ONTD Political

Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object

6:29 pm - 01/29/2013

ARLINGTON, TX—Calling the transformation both delightful and stunning, friends and family members confirmed Tuesday that 17-year-old Ashley Parker was blossoming into an absolutely gorgeous object.

According to Parker’s relatives, in the span of 14 months, the high school junior underwent a staggering metamorphosis from a young girl with thoughts, feelings, and aspirations into a truly stunning commodity.

“Ashley has really developed into quite a striking assemblage of physical attributes that are found to be sexually attractive in our culture,” said Parker’s uncle Keith Hayes, expressing astonishment at how his niece had steadily matured from a precocious youth into a shapely, ravishing thing devoid of intellect and personality. “It’s hard to believe that she used to be that little girl [capable of subjective experiences] that I remember. Now look at her—she’s such a lovely vessel for displaced sexual frustration and voyeuristic lust, just like her mother.”

“Seems like just yesterday she was this creative 7-year-old kid, pretending her Barbie was the first woman president,” Hayes added. “My, they grow into little more than consumer goods so quickly.”

Marveling at the rite of passage that all females make from girlhood into entirely disempowered objecthood, Hayes expressed confidence that the 17-year-old would one day become a highly prized physical possession for “one lucky guy.”

Parker’s classmates at Wakefield High School were also reportedly captivated by the adolescent’s transition from a young woman into an eye-catching repository for male gratification. High school senior Kevin Turner said that Parker had become a particularly alluring instrument of purely physical pleasure in the months since she was a young, conscious, independent preteen girl.

“I grew up with Ashley and never thought much of her before, but over the last year or so, I really started to see her for the beautiful little piece of equipment she is,” said Turner, expressing enthusiasm for how the teen had evolved into a dazzling sexual apparatus. “I’m thinking of asking that mere receptacle to prom.”

“Take a look at it,” added Turner of the former human being. “I can think of a lot of things I’d like to do with that.”

Edmund Powell, Parker’s history teacher, echoed the sentiment of many pupils, claiming that he was impressed by the junior’s transformation from an honor roll student and sentient human being into a lovely piece of meat.

“Ashley used to be one of the brightest and best students in my class,” said Powell, recalling the former girl who once consisted of more than a single, surface-deep dimension. “But, wow, now you’d have to say that she’s something very special. Something very special indeed.”

While Parker’s mother Stacey was reportedly certain that her daughter would make a beautiful and unthinkingly gracious trophy someday, the 38-year-old cautioned Ashley not to get her hopes up about finding the perfect money bags right away

dumpweeds 29th-Jan-2013 09:55 pm (UTC)
read the first sentence and went down to check the source. phew.
shortsweetcynic 29th-Jan-2013 10:01 pm (UTC)
meeeeee too.
moonshaz 29th-Jan-2013 10:26 pm (UTC)
I'm embarrassed to admit how far I got before I thought to check the tags. But yeah, phew!
crooked_halo 30th-Jan-2013 02:30 am (UTC)
Me too! How sad is that?
mskye 29th-Jan-2013 09:59 pm (UTC)
zinnia_rose 29th-Jan-2013 10:25 pm (UTC)
Depressingly accurate. I need a shower even knowing this is satire. The part about her "teacher" is blechhhhhhh.
girl_fusion 29th-Jan-2013 10:47 pm (UTC)
Note to self: read tags FIRST before reading article. I was almost at Rage Mode.
lamardeuse 29th-Jan-2013 11:40 pm (UTC)
I love the Onion.
wrestlingdog 29th-Jan-2013 11:41 pm (UTC)
Like so many Onion stories, this is almost too true to be funny.
kittymink 30th-Jan-2013 04:14 am (UTC)
please keep the satire articles!
mollywobbles867 30th-Jan-2013 04:49 am (UTC)
Agreed. They break up the depressing shit. This is ONTD_political.
bizwac 30th-Jan-2013 10:03 am (UTC)
Agreed. One day of funnies isn't as good as funnies in between all the horrors.
fragbert 30th-Jan-2013 12:48 pm (UTC)
We need all the funnies we can get.
skellington1 30th-Jan-2013 11:15 pm (UTC)
Totally. It's a mental health thing.
bellonia 30th-Jan-2013 03:57 pm (UTC)
why? It's ontd_political and satire is a political tool.
happythree 30th-Jan-2013 08:08 pm (UTC)
I don't really see how your point applies to this community. This site isn't a feed for your research paper's works cited page.

Politics and satire have been connected for quite a long time.
redstar826 30th-Jan-2013 09:23 pm (UTC)
nah. Half the fun of the satire articles is watching people fall for them.

edit: this was supposed to have gone under the comment suggesting that satire be restricted to a particular day of the week

Edited at 2013-01-30 09:24 pm (UTC)
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