ONTD Political

IN WHICH THE RELIGIOUS/CONSERVATIVE/GOD-FEARING RIGHT DECIDE THEY SHOULD REWRITE THE BIBLE NATURALLY

12:27 am - 10/06/2009
The far right fanatics who run “Conservapedia” have a new project: they’re planning to rewrite the Bible to get rid of all of that liberalism and socialism: Conservative Bible Project.

Yes, really. Here’s an example of the kind of stuff they think needs to be excised from the all-new conservative Bible:

First Example - Liberal Falsehood
The earliest, most authentic manuscripts lack this verse set forth at Luke 23:34:[7]

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Is this a liberal corruption of the original? This does not appear in any other Gospel, and the simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing. This quotation is a favorite of liberals but should not appear in a conservative Bible.

Yeah, conservatives don’t want no truck with that librul “forgiveness” thang! Out with it!

Wow.

Other problematic commie terms include “volunteer,” “comrade,” and “laborer.” (You couldn’t write comedy like this.)

...

The interesting thing about this project: it’s a tacit admission that the Bible itself is not the unchangeable, literal word of God, but can be edited as necessary to fit political purposes.

Things that make you go, “Hmmm.”

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schexyschteve 6th-Oct-2009 04:48 am (UTC)
The Religious Right really needs to branch off and form their own Murrkan Valews Party or something.
annakinz 6th-Oct-2009 04:51 am (UTC)
ffs Jesus' whole schtickl was forgiveness, helping people, looking out for the poor, etc.

IN OTHER WORDS JESUS WAS THE BIGGEST LIBERAL OF ALL AND THEY CAN'T STOMACH IT.
victorialupin 6th-Oct-2009 04:54 am (UTC)
Lol, ikr? I don't know how they're going to rewrite the Bible to be more conservative unless they just write out Jesus completely.
escherichiacola 6th-Oct-2009 04:51 am (UTC)
INERRANT WORD OF GOD
rinygrin 6th-Oct-2009 04:55 am (UTC)
TYPO IN THE TITLE
thebigbadbutch 6th-Oct-2009 05:04 am (UTC)
How embarrassing.
celtic_thistle 6th-Oct-2009 05:04 am (UTC)
IS THIS REAL LIFE
schexyschteve 6th-Oct-2009 05:08 am (UTC)
RAPTOR JESUS SAYS IT'S JUST FANTASY
fruiterian 6th-Oct-2009 05:13 am (UTC)
haha, i love how they're doing this by going through and translating the fuckin' king james into modern english and not going to the manuscripts, but their justification for getting rid of that luke verse is all ~textual criticism~, which is totally done by those nasty liberal professors.

also, i find it hilarious that the NIV isn't conservative enough for them (although i can probably imagine why). and the guidelines on the conservapedia page are HILARIOUS. fuck, the translations the have are already pretty good.

Mark 1:25. Jesus then rebuked the evil spirit, "Shut up and depart from him."
escherichiacola 6th-Oct-2009 05:37 am (UTC)
haha, i love how they're doing this by going through and translating the fuckin' king james into modern english and not going to the manuscripts

It's like trying to spell check with a smoked ham.
worldmage 6th-Oct-2009 05:16 am (UTC)
Why bother with parody when they do it to themselves?
scolaro 6th-Oct-2009 08:04 am (UTC)
I think that EVERY TIME I read anything about bible nuts...
lidane 6th-Oct-2009 05:17 am (UTC)
Personally, I agree with the folks at LGF-- the LOLcat Bible is much more entertaining. XD
jesidres 6th-Oct-2009 05:28 am (UTC)
And probably more accurate.
danceprincess20 6th-Oct-2009 05:25 am (UTC)
"Socialistic terminology permeates English translations of the Bible, without justification. This improperly encourages the "social justice" movement among Christians."

Social justice be damned.

(Quote from here http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2009/10/5/789941/-Wingnuts-Rewriting-the-Bible-to-Make-it-Less-Liberal)
mhael Obligatory6th-Oct-2009 05:28 am (UTC)


silver_rac23 Re: Obligatory6th-Oct-2009 06:13 pm (UTC)
OMG THAT FIRST MACRO IS GOLD!
jesidres 6th-Oct-2009 05:28 am (UTC)
Quote my friend had on Twitter after this showed up:

"I suspect the LOLCat Bible probably hews closer to the original text than the Conservative Bible will."

And I think I agree.
the_gabih 6th-Oct-2009 09:35 am (UTC)
I know the LEGO Bible does, certainly. Having never read the LOLCat one, I wouldn't know.

D'you have a link, by any chance?
ms_maree 6th-Oct-2009 05:28 am (UTC)
These guys would just love the Old Testament God, all fire and brimstone.
theartema 6th-Oct-2009 05:34 am (UTC)
As a Christian...


This kind of makes me want to cry. No, seriously. :( I just... idgi. I really don't. I don't fucking understand how these people can claim to be Christian when all they do is hate hate hate and MEMEMEMEMEME LOOK AT ME I'M PRAYING FOR YOU AND I'M GOIN' TO CHURCH WHERE THE NASTY CHILD-RAPING FAGS CAN'T GO LALALALA I'M A SELFISH, HYPOCRITICAL MONSTER FUCK YOU AND DIE IF YOU HAVEN'T ANY HEALTH INSURANCE BOOTSTRAPS GOD HATES YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YOUUUUUU END TIMES ISRAEL IS MY FUCK-BUDDYYYYY
foxinmyhands 6th-Oct-2009 05:45 am (UTC)
Dude, I'm not a Christian and it makes me want to cry.
morbidoutlook 6th-Oct-2009 05:47 am (UTC)
I wish I could reset the world.
evildevil 6th-Oct-2009 05:59 am (UTC)
And Conservative Jesus said to the Crowd: "Bootstraps and Freemarket ye of little faith"
lavenderfrost 6th-Oct-2009 12:38 pm (UTC)
Salvation and glory and power belong to our Glenn Beck, for true and NOT CRAZY AT ALL are his judgments.
Rev. 19
sephirajo 6th-Oct-2009 06:03 am (UTC)
What do you want to bet this will be the next to go. After all, that passage says they're DOING IT WRONG.

*sigh*

Oh well, I take comfort in the immortal words of The Big Lebowski.

No one fucks with the Jesus.

They'll get theirs. The Jesus will see to that.
theartema 6th-Oct-2009 06:11 am (UTC)
They'll get theirs. The Jesus will see to that.

FUCKING WORD (of God).
suitablyemoname 6th-Oct-2009 06:17 am (UTC)
And the Lord did say, "You shall have forty children, all with names beginning with the letter 'X', and they shall all vote Republican, for that is the only way to combat Liberal Bias in my teachings. And with your forty children, you shall construct a temple, in which you will place a golden idol of my favourite cowboy, Ronald Reagan.

We will not discuss the four children who turn out to be gay, because we mustn't offend the delicate sensibilities of the other children, even though they have been systematically indoctrinated from birth."

And it was good.
jetaimerai 6th-Oct-2009 06:22 am (UTC)
Well... I have to give them credit for actually being honest about their beliefs, at least. Most (well, pretty much all, really) Christians pick and choose what to believe from the Bible, and this is just a very extreme version of that. Still, their arrogance is stunning.
lied_ohne_worte 6th-Oct-2009 06:51 am (UTC)
But many of these "other" Christians have actual, highly educated theologians who know the original languages in question, who go back to the sources and textual history of the Bible, who in certain cases are able to determine which parts were inserted later due to which particular direction's agenda, and who from all later dilutions try to distill the original message. They are honest about that.

Being a Christian does not mean having to take the Bible literally. It really doesn't. Will every interpretation be right? No, probably not. But I think a, however flawed, attempt at coming nearer to the original message by methods of text criticism is better, not worse, than modernising another translation based on what you think Jesus should have said without any methodology other than gut feeling.
mr_spivens 6th-Oct-2009 07:10 am (UTC)
Just FYI, this "translation" shows all signs of being exactly as slipshod as it appears:

Thanks for the superb analysis. I'm going to study your work further. My immediate reaction is that the most common use of "peace" in the Bible, as in "peace be with you," really means the Hebrew concept of "shalom". It's a fullness and tranquility of mind, and that's not what the word now primarily means in English. See, e.g., [6]--Andy Schlafly 23:54, 27 September 2009 (EDT)

The word shalom means a lot more than peace and "fullness and tranquility of mind", it also means safety, prosperity, complete, perfect, whole, hello, goodbye, and to pay. If they "translate" every appearance of shalom as "fullness and tranquility of mind", that Bible isn't going to make a whole lot of sense.
lied_ohne_worte 6th-Oct-2009 07:14 am (UTC)
Oh. So, they know which Hebrew word is intended without fully understanding that word or even looking at the Hebrew (which I wouldn't be half surprised if it was Greek in the place in question).
baby_c15 6th-Oct-2009 07:28 am (UTC)
As a Catholic this piss me the fuck off, but doesn't surprise me. Religion is the best vehicle to excuse hate against a group of people.
gundamtsubasa 6th-Oct-2009 08:04 am (UTC)
You gotta know you're FUBAR when Little Green Footballs is calling you a bunch of conservative whackjobs.

I linked the original Conservapedia article elsewhere and titled it as,

"TL;DR version: 'The Bible©, for a translation that cuts out those hippie librul faggot concepts like loving one another as yourself and turning the other cheek.'"

I can't wait until the typically very conservative King James Only movement gets wind of this. The blowback will be AWESOME.
lidane 6th-Oct-2009 04:19 pm (UTC)
Little Green Footballs has been a surprising bastion of non-crazy lately. I guess all the teabaggers, birthers, creationists, and far right whackjobs finally got on Charles Johnson's last nerve. He's been calling them all out for weeks now. It's fantastic, like when John Cole over at Balloon Juice finally snapped. Hehe.

There are even right wing hate sites dedicated to LGF now, talking about what a liberal sellout, RINO site it is now. I'm having fun following all the drama.
the_gabih 6th-Oct-2009 09:32 am (UTC)
So I'm a liberal for believing that Jesus told people to forgive each other? That we're not meant to help- oh good grief, I just read the 'laborer' bit. I'm also guessing that the 2000+ verses on helping the poor and righting injustices will be magically disappeared in this project's version of the Bible too.

My religion: they are mangling it. ;_;

Edited at 2009-10-06 09:33 am (UTC)
nope_de_plume 6th-Oct-2009 11:13 am (UTC)
This is new? People have been picking and choosing since the damn thing was written.
lavenderfrost 6th-Oct-2009 12:26 pm (UTC)
Yeah, but now they're editing and re-writing.
lavenderfrost 6th-Oct-2009 12:25 pm (UTC)
They are also seven kings. Five have fallen, one is, the other has not yet come; but when he does come, he must remain for a little while. Cursed be thy 4-year terms!
Rev 17:11

Edited at 2009-10-06 02:07 pm (UTC)
schonste 6th-Oct-2009 12:49 pm (UTC)
THis is old. Like...super old.
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