Info posts may contain triggering elements, so please be mindful of the topic and read at your own discretion.
SPECIFIC TRIGGER WARNINGS: suicide, depression, abuse
IMAGE CONTENT: Nothing graphic, just a few stock photos of kids looking lonely
These posts are a "safe space" to ask questions you might otherwise be too shy to. Please do not reply to people with "Plz Google" or "educate yourself". Everyone should enter them with a learn and teach mindset (in that order). WITH THAT SAID, HOWEVER, please remain mindful of your questions and phrasing, be open-minded, learn, and know when to be quiet. If you are flippant with your ignorance, I will not stop angered members from telling you about yourself.
In honor of Bullying Awareness Week (in Canada!)
Bullying
Bullying is often overshadowed by more dramatic incidents of violence, especially those involving firearms. And bullying is far too often seen as an inevitable part of school-yard culture. But the consequences of bullying are serious. The personal costs of bullying can reverberate throughout the lifespan – affecting not only victims and perpetrators, but their families, friends, and co-workers. The economic costs of bullying are paid by schools, law enforcement agencies, health care providers, and social service agencies.
Fortunately, bullying and its consequences are not inevitable. Schools, community-based organizations, and other agencies can work to prevent bullying and reduce its personal and social costs. This publication was designed to help schools and other agencies take steps toward those goals.
What is bullying?
Bullying is intentional and persistent aggressive behavior. It can include physical violence, teasing and name-calling, and intimidation. Bullying can be related to the harassment of racial and ethnic minorities and gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth. Surveys indicate that 11 percent of American schoolchildren in the sixth through the tenth grades have been bullied, 13 percent have engaged in bullying, and six percent have been both perpetrators and victims of bullying (Nansel, et al.2001).
Who are the victims of and perpetratos of bullying?
Bullies tend to be larger than their peers. They are aggressive, quick to anger, impulsive, lack empathy, and have a need to dominate others. The victims of bullies tend to be cautious, anxious, and have low-self esteem. They are often socially isolated and smaller than their peers (National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center, 2003).
What are the consequences of bullying?
Bullying does not have to result in physical injury to cause damage. Victims of bullying report more sleeping difficulties, despondency, headaches, stomach pains, and other health symptoms than other children (Williams, et al. 1996). They may be afraid to go to school, which can affect their academic achievement. Victims also suffer from depression and low self-esteem (Olweus, 1993; Batsche and Knoff, 1994). Children and adolescents who are bullied, as well as those who bully, are at increased risk for depression and suicidal ideation (Riittakerttu, et al. 1999). There is some evidence that bullying may be related to school shooting incidents, such as the one that resulted in the deaths of 12 students and a teacher in Littleton, Colorado. One study concluded that perpetrators of such violence were more than twice as likely to report being bullied (Anderson, et al. 2001).
Educators and mental health practitioners recognize that physical and emotional stressors that interfere with a child’s education and emotional well-being in the middle school years can have life-long consequences. Academic failure during these years often leads to a lack of academic and vocational success in later life. Emotional problems that begin during this important developmental period have a profound impact upon the child – and later the adolescent and adult – and his or her happiness and relationships with family, friends, significant others, and coworkers.
The patterns of behavior exhibited by bullies can also affect their future lives and the lives of those with whom they come into contact. Evidence indicates that bullies do not “outgrow” this behavior but carry it into their adult personal, family, and work relationships. There is also evidence that the patterns of behavior reinforced by bullying can carry over into how bullies raise their own children. Research implies that children who engage in bullying are more likely to come from homes in which parents have an extremely harsh discipline style or are extremely permissive and have little emotional or physical involvement in their children’s lives (Olweus, 1993).
Can bullying be prevented?
Knowledge about how bullying can be prevented has increased dramatically in the last two decades. Research has taught us much about preventing bullying, about treating the victims of bullying, and about stopping children from bullying others. As with other violence prevention efforts, bullying is best addressed by a comprehensive approach involving education, the school environment, and the creation and enforcement of consistent discipline programs.
Evaluation and research evidence demonstrate that bullying prevention programs can be effective. The Olweus Bullying Prevention Program (Olweus, 1993) for example, has been identified by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSHA) as being a model program with proven results.
What can schools do?
There is much that can – and should – be done by schools to prevent bullying. Schools should take bullying seriously and demonstrate to students that bullying and other forms of harassment and intimidation will not be tolerated. Schools can do the following:
- Develop and implement safe school policies and plans that specifically address bullying.
- Explicitly include bullying in school discipline codes and enforce these codes fairly and consistently.
- Choose and implement violence prevention and health promotion curricula that include bullying prevention.
- Create a school culture in which students and staff know that bullying is wrong and will not be tolerated and in which students and staff will report bullying to counselors and other staff who will take action. Research demonstrates that levels of bullying are related to the willingness of adults to intervene (Olweus, 1993).
- Provide mental health or counseling services or referrals for both victims and perpetrators of bullying.
- Implement training for teachers, administrators, guidance counselors, and school nurses on how to recognize and respond to bullying.
- Educate parents in the signs of bullying and involve them in bullying prevention activities.
What can mental health professionals do?
Public health and mental health professionals, especially those involved in violence prevention or youth development programs, also have a large role to play in preventing bullying. They can do the following:
- Use opportunities, including wellness exams and other patient visits, to assess children for signs of bullying.
- Partner with schools that implement bullying prevention programs by accepting service referrals for bullying victim or perpetrator referrals.
- Integrate bullying prevention strategies into their program’s youth activities.
- Educate public health workers, educators, parents, law enforcement professionals, and emergency medical technicians about bullying and how to recognize those at risk.
- Partner with schools to implement comprehensive bullying prevention programs.
- Help schools and community-based organizations evaluate their bullying prevention efforts.
Where can I go for more information?
In addition to the National Center for Mental Health Promotion and Violence Prevention, there are a number of other organizations that offer resources and assistance on bullying prevention.
The National Violence Prevention Youth Resource Center offers a number of extremely valuable Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) documents on bullying, as well as guides and links to research and resources on bullying prevention.
The Center for the Study and Prevention of Violence at the University of Colorado offers a wealth of resources on bullying and prevention.
The Stop Bullying Now Campaign, sponsored by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, offers educational materials for parents, educators, and health professionals.
Source
The Twelve Types of Bullying
The Twelve Types of Bullying
Pressure bullying or unwitting bullying is where the stress of the moment causes behaviour to deteriorate; the person becomes short-tempered, irritable and may shout or swear at others. Everybody does this from time to time, but when the pressure is removed, behaviour returns to normal, the person recognises the inappropriateness of their behaviour, makes amends, and may apologise, and - crucially - learns from the experience so that next time the situation arises they are better able to deal with it. This is "normal" behaviour and I do not include pressure bullying in my definition of workplace bullying.
Organisational bullying is a combination of pressure bullying and corporate bullying, and occurs when an organisation struggles to adapt to changing markets, reduced income, cuts in budgets, imposed expectations, and other external pressures.
Corporate bullying is where the employer abuses employees with impunity knowing that the law is weak and jobs are scarce, eg:
- coercing employees to work 60/70/80 weeks on a regular basis then making life hell for (or dismissing) anyone who objects
- dismissing anyone who looks like having a stress breakdown as it's cheaper (in the UK) to pay the costs of unfair dismissal at Employment Tribunal (eg £50K maximum, but awards are usually paltry) than risk facing a personal injury claim for stress breakdown (eg £175K as in the John Walker case)
- introduces "absence management" to deny employees annual or sick leave to which they are genuinely entitled
- regularly snoops and spies on employees, eg by listening in to telephone conversations, using the mystery shopper, contacting customers behind employees backs and asking leading questions, conducting covert video surveillance (perhaps by fellow employees), sending personnel officers or private investigators to an employee's home to interrogate the employees whilst on sick leave, threatening employees with interrogation the moment they return from sick leave, etc.
- deems any employee suffering from stress as weak and inadequate whilst aggressively ignoring and denying the cause of stress (bad management and bullying)
- "encourages" employees (with promises of promotion and/or threats of disciplinary action) to fabricate complaints about their colleagues
- employees are "encouraged" to give up full-time permanent positions in favour of short-term contracts; anyone who resists has their life made hell
Institutional bullying is similar to corporate bullying and arises when bullying becomes entrenched and accepted as part of the culture. People are moved, long-existing contracts are replaced with new short-term contracts on less favourable terms with the accompanying threat of "agree to this or else", workloads are increased, work schedules are changed, roles are changed, career progression paths are blocked or terminated, etc - and all of this is without consultation.
Client bullying is where employees are bullied by those they serve, eg teachers are bullied (and often assaulted) by pupils and their parents, nurses are bullied by patients and their relatives, social workers are bullied by their clients, and shop/bank/building society staff are bullied by customers. Often the client is claiming their perceived right (eg to better service) in an abusive, derogatory and often physically violent manner. Client bullying can also be employees bullying their clients.
Serial bullying is where the source of all dysfunction can be traced to one individual, who picks on one employee after another and destroys them. This is the most common type of bullying I come across; most of this web site is devoted to describing and defining the serial bully, who exhibits the behavioural characteristics of a socialised psychopath. Most people know at least one person in their life with the profile of the serial bully; most people do not recognise this person as a socialised psychopath, or sociopath. I estimate one person in thirty is either a physically-violent psychopath who commits criminal acts, or an antisocial whose behaviour is antisocial, or a sociopath who commits mostly non-arrestable offences. For an in-depth insight into serial bullying, click here.
Secondary bullying is mostly unwitting bullying which people start exhibiting when there's a serial bully in the department. The pressure of trying to deal with a dysfunctional, divisive and aggressive serial bully causes everyone's behaviour to decline.
Pair bullying is a serial bully with a colleague. Often one does the talking whilst the other watches and listens. Usually it's the quiet one you need to watch. Usually they are of opposite gender and frequently there's an affair going on.
Gang bullying is a serial bully with colleagues. Gangs can occur anywhere, but flourish in corporate bullying climates. If the bully is an extrovert, they are likely to be leading from the front; they may also be a shouter and screamer, and thus easily identifiable (and recordable on tape and video-able). If the bully is an introvert, that person will be in the background initiating the mayhem but probably not taking an active part, and may thus be harder to identify. A common tactic of this type of bully is to tell everybody a different story - usually about what others are alleged to have said about that person - and encourage each person to think they are the only one with the correct story. Introvert bullies are the most dangerous bullies.
Half the people in the gang are happy for the opportunity to behave badly, they gain gratification from the feeling of power and control, and enjoy the patronage, protection and reward from the serial bully. The other half of the gang are coerced into joining in, usually through fear of being the next target if they don't. If anything backfires, one of these coercees will be the scapegoat and sacrificial lamb on whom enraged targets will be encouraged to vent their anger. The serial bully watches from a safe distance. Serial bullies gain a great deal of gratification from encouraging and watching others engage in conflict, especially those who might otherwise pool negative information about them.
Gang bullying or group bullying is often called mobbing and usually involves scapegoating and victimisation.
Vicarious bullying is where two parties are encouraged to engage in adversarial interaction or conflict. Similar to gang bullying, although the bully may or may not be directly connected with either of the two parties. One party becomes the bully's instrument of harassment and is deceived and manipulated into bullying the other party. An example of vicarious bullying is where the serial bully creates conflict between employer and employee, participating occasionally to stoke the conflict, but rarely taking an active part in the conflict themselves.
Regulation bullying is where a serial bully forces their target to comply with rules, regulations, procedures or laws regardless of their appropriateness, applicability or necessity. Legal bullying - the bringing of a vexatious legal action to control and punish a person - is one of the nastiest forms of bullying.
Residual bullying is the bullying of all kinds that continues after the serial bully has left. Like recruits like and like promotes like, therefore the serial bully bequeaths a dysfunctional environment to those who are left. This can last for years.
Cyber bullying is the misuse of email systems or Internet forums etc for sending aggressive flame mails. Serial bullies have few communication skills (and often none), thus the impersonal nature of email makes it an ideal tool for causing conflict. Sometimes called cyberstalking.
In environments where bullying is the norm, most people will eventually either become bullies or become targets. There are few bystanders, as most people will eventually be sucked in. It's about survival: you either adopt bullying tactics yourself and thus survive by not becoming a target, or you stand up against bullying and refuse to join in, in which case you are bullied, harassed, victimized and scapegoated until your health is so severely impaired that you have a stress breakdown (this is a psychiatric injury, not a mental illness - see health page for details on stress, or the PTSD page for details on psychiatric injury), take ill-health retirement, leave, find yourself unexpectedly selected for redundancy, or are unfairly dismissed.
Hierarchical bullying, peer bullying, upward bullying
The majority of cases of workplace bullying reported to the UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line and Bully OnLine involve an individual being bullied by their manager, and these account for around 75% of cases. Around a quarter of cases involve bullying and harassment by peers (often with the collusion of a manager either by proactive involvement or by the manager refusing to take action). A small number of cases (around 1-2%) involve the bullying of a manager by a subordinate. Serial bullies like to tap into hierarchical power, but they also generate their own power by simply choosing to bully with impunity and justifying or denying their behaviour with rationalisation, manipulation, deception or lying.
In a case of bullying of a manager by a subordinate, it's my view that as bullying is a form of violence (at the psychological and emotional lever rather than the physical) it's the responsibility of the employer, not the individual manager, to deal with violence at work.
Source
Workplace Bullying
I have written previously on workplace violence; this time, I am going to offer a few thoughts on bullying in the workplace, which a number of experts see as a form of workplace violence. Dr. Gary Namie has described bullying as “psychological violence,” and I think that is a very good description. The article will also touch on cyber-bullying, a new form of bullying that is as current as today’s headlines. (See, also, Pondering the Impact of Workplace Violence.)
You may have read the very recent – and profoundly disturbing – headline about a Missouri woman who was found guilty of misdemeanor crimes in a “MySpace” cyber-bullying case linked to a 13-year-old girl’s suicide. According to prosecutors, the woman conspired with her young daughter and a business associate to create a fictitious profile of a 16-year-old boy on MySpace to harass Megan Meier, apparently in an effort to humiliate Megan for saying mean things about her daughter.
The “boy” sent flirtatious messages to Megan, but then abruptly changed to a very harsh tone, telling her “The world would be a better place without you.” After receiving that message, Megan hanged herself with a belt in her bedroom closet. According to prosecutors, the woman knew that Megan suffered from depression and was emotionally fragile.
A major USA Today article dated November 19, 2008, entitled “Bullying devastates lives,” and chronicled the sad stories of three women who experienced constant bullying in school – one for having red hair, one for being shy, and one for being “different.”
The three women, now ranging in age from 28 to 52, continue to be affected by the bullying that they suffered in school. According to Daniel Nelson, medical director of the Child Psychology Unit at the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center, “…there’s no question that ‘unrelenting,’ daily hostilities that maybe escalate to threats or actual aggression can be on par with torture…,” or that ” repeated and severe bullying can cause psychological trauma.” Nelson went on to observe that “There’s no question that bullying in certain instances can be absolutely devastating.”
A companion article talked about a high school girl whose epileptic seizures – of all things! – had made her a target in three different schools. She was so traumatized by the tormenting that she dropped out of school and is now pursuing independent study; the young woman “suffers so much that she could not be interviewed” for the article. Sisters Emily and Sarah Buder, appalled by the news, wrote letters to the girl and asked friends to do so as well. They hoped for 50 letters; the current total is 6,500, and counting!
I also ran across a November 7 Reuters article entitled “Bullies may get kick out of seeing others in pain.” In this one, University of Chicago “researchers compared eight boys ages 16 to 18 with aggressive conduct disorder to a group of eight adolescent boys with no unusual signs of aggression.” The article went on to state that, in the “aggressive teens, areas of the brain linked with feeling rewarded…became very active when they observed video clips of pain being inflicted on others. But they showed little activity in an area of the brain involved in self-regulation…as was seen in the control group.”
Researcher Benjamin Lahey noted that “It is entirely possible their brains are lighting in the way they are because they experience seeing pain in others as exciting and fun and pleasurable.” Lahey went on to say that “the differences between the two groups were strong and striking, but cautioned that the study was small and needs to be confirmed by a larger study.”
How does all of this relate to the Federal workplace?
Bullying, whether via the latest technologies or by more traditional means, is a growing problem in American workplaces of all kinds, and I don’t see why Federal agencies would be exceptions.
In fact, I just received an e-mail from a woman who indicated that she has been bullied so severely in her current job, to include being screamed at in anger by managers and treated with no respect by some of her co-workers, that she felt compelled to tell her story to someone. I have received similar comments from other FedSmith.com readers in the past in response to articles I have written that may have touched on the subject, so I know that there are employees in a number of Federal agencies who feel they are being bullied.
I think the following guidance, adapted from Violence in the Workplace Prevention Guide, published in 2001 by the Canadian Centre for Occupational Health & Safety (CCOHS), is worth a look whether you are a Federal manager, supervisor, or non-supervisory employee.
What is workplace bullying?
Bullying is usually seen as acts or verbal comments that could ‘mentally’ hurt or isolate a person in the workplace. Sometimes, bullying can involve negative physical contact as well. Bullying usually involves repeated incidents or a pattern of behavior that is intended to intimidate, offend, degrade or humiliate a particular person or group of people. It has also been described as the assertion of power through aggression.
What are examples of bullying?
While bullying is a form of aggression, the actions can be both obvious and subtle. It is important to note that the following is not a checklist, nor does it mention all forms of bullying. This list is included as a way of showing some of the ways bullying may happen in a workplace. Also remember that bullying is usually considered to be a pattern of behavior where one or more incidents will help show that bullying is taking place.
Examples:
Spreading malicious rumors, gossip, or innuendo that is not true
Excluding or isolating someone socially
Intimidating a person
Undermining or deliberately impeding a person’s work
Physically abusing or threatening abuse
Removing areas of responsibilities without cause
Constantly changing work guidelines
Establishing impossible deadlines that will set up the individual to fail
Withholding necessary information or purposefully giving the wrong information
Making jokes that are ‘obviously offensive’ by spoken word or e-mail
Intruding on a person’s privacy by pestering, spying or stalking
Assigning unreasonable duties or workload which are unfavorable to one person (in a way that creates unnecessary pressure)
Under work – creating a feeling of uselessness
Yelling or using profanity
Criticizing a person persistently or constantly
Belittling a person’s opinions
Unwarranted (or undeserved) punishment
Blocking applications for training, leave or promotion
Tampering with a person’s personal belongings or work equipment.
It is sometimes hard to know if bullying is happening at the workplace. Many studies acknowledge that there is a “fine line” between strong management and bullying. Comments that are objective and are intended to provide constructive feedback are not usually considered bullying, but rather are intended to assist the employee with their work.
If you are not sure an action or statement could be considered bullying, you can use the “reasonable person” test. Would most people consider the action unacceptable?
How can bullying affect an individual?
People who are the targets of bullying may experience a range of effects. These reactions include:
Shock
Anger
Feelings of frustration and/or helplessness
Increased sense of vulnerability
Loss of confidence
Physical symptoms such as:
Inability to sleep
Loss of appetite
Psychosomatic symptoms such as:
Stomach pains
Headaches
Panic or anxiety, especially about going to work
Family tension and stress
Inability to concentrate
Low morale and productivity
How bullying can affect the workplace?
Bullying affects the overall “health” of an organization. An “unhealthy” workplace can have many effects. In general these include:
Increased absenteeism
Increased turnoverv
Increased stress
Increased costs for employee assistance programs (EAPs), recruitment, etc.
Increased risk for accidents / incidents
Decreased productivity and motivation
Decreased morale
Reduced corporate image and customer confidence
Poorer customer service
What can an employer do?
Final Thoughts: I believe that managers and supervisors are morally responsible for ensuring that employees are not bullied in the workplace, but I also think that it makes good business sense.
For example, I can see real potential for people who feel they are being bullied relentlessly to eventually reach their limit and attempt to hurt either themselves or others. I believe that many of the students who have wreaked violence on their schools, such as Harris and Klebold at Columbine High School, or planned to do so, cited being picked on relentlessly as at least one of the motivating factors for their attacks.
While most employees who are bullied are unlikely to strike out at their perceived tormentors – in fact, they are more likely to absorb the bullying without saying anything to anyone – I can’t imagine anyone doing their best work when they are feeling bullied and humiliated and/or are fearful for their safety. Accordingly, I maintain that it is in management’s interest to maintain a respectful work environment and not to tolerate any bullying behavior.
I would advise managers and supervisors to start by examining their own behavior – soliciting feedback from trusted colleagues might be part of the process – to make sure they are not engaging in any bullying of their own, however inadvertent. I would also suggest that they let employees know that bullying, like workplace violence and threats, will not be tolerated, and tell employees who feel they are being bullied to report it to management immediately.
Source
Bullying is Domestic Violence at Work
In so many ways the two phenomena uncannily mirror each other. With bullying and partner violence, the abuser's motive to control and dominate the victim starts the process and determines the nature and extent of the sick, twisted relationship that follows. The perpetrator objectifies the victim. In 98% of domestic violence cases, the perpetrator is the man. In bullying, the majority of abusers, 62%, are male; women are famously perpetrators, too. So, regardless of gender, the bully-abuser dehumanizes her or his prey. She can have such contempt for the target that she refuses to grant even the minimal respect due to a fellow human being. Dehumanization enables the severe mistreatment. When the recipient is not seen as an equal, it is easy to denigrate, belittle and humiliate. The target is a lesser-than object not deserving decent treatment.
The forms of mistreatment that accompany objectification can cause emotional harm. The digs are ad homonym attacks about the person's worthlessness and undeservedness. These assaults result in stress-related health harm, both physical and psychological. Emotional harm outlasts physical injuries that occur in domestic violence cases. The abused spouse is likely to suffer more from emotional damage than from broken bones, which heal relatively quickly. The legacy of emotional torment, the traumatization, can last a lifetime after infliction. With bullying, there is typically no physical violence, only the emotional.
Another overlap between domestic violence and bullying is that friends close to the two key players tend to distance themselves from abusive situations. This gives them cover to plausibly resist getting involved. Doing nothing becomes easier if they are not present when the abuse happens. Closest friends of the abuser tend to justify the actions. "He wouldn't hurt a fly." "When I'm with him, he is a gentle, kind soul." "She's absolutely brilliant and because she doesn't suffer fools gladly, people working for her have to learn to adapt to her style."
Finally, institutions initially duck their responsibility to act. For years, domestic violence cases perplexed police officers called to homes during an abuser's attack. Without the fearful victim agreeing to file charges, nothing could be done. Now that criminal laws are in place, police can apprehend abusers when warranted, regardless of the victim's willingness to go along. Note that it took laws to allow law enforcement to intervene on behalf of injured and abused domestic violence victims. The enactment of laws made the difference.
With respect to workplace bullying, employers -- the institutions that host the abusers -- loathe holding bullies accountable. A former director of a federal agency (Minerals Management Services) refused to terminate a bully division chief, as we had recommended. He said, "No, I won't do it because he is a great conversationalist and a lunch buddy." Well there you have it. No need to act, he wouldn't harm a fly. The evidence spoke otherwise. All employees in that division were stressed. There were multiple heart attacks, strokes and other cardiovascular complications from working for the bully. But friendship with the executive trumped all reason.
Years later, in 2010, when the BP oil platform exploded in the Gulf of Mexico killing 11 workers and poisoning the environment, MMS made news. They were the agency whose employees had committed serious ethical violations. MMS was corrupt. Its culture was corrupt when it allowed the bullying to damage so many lives for glib reasons stated by the inept director.
Will laws be required to compel employers to stop abusers on the payroll? After all it took laws to disrupt domestic violence.
Read more about workplace bullying and domestic violence at the source.
Crucial Conversation Strategy: How to talk to a bully
The difference between workplace bullying and disrespectful behavior
How To Have a Classy Crucial Conversation that Counts:
Classy: Respectful, win-win, seeking the best for all.
Crucial: A needed conversation to move an issue forward for what’s “best” for the company
Conversation: A dialogue where both people are engaged and exchanging ideas and information.
Counts: Be sure that the conversation ends with a resolution or shared agreement.
Keys for a Classy Crucial Conversation:
In order to have more control, the target should decide when the conversation will take place. Do not react to when the Bully attacks you; decide when you are ready to converse in order to get the best outcome.
As a target, the Bully is hoping you do not have the strength to stand up for yourself. They feel better when you are down.
By having a classy crucial conversation you will be starting to set stronger boundaries, which will protect you and help to avoid future conflicts.
How to Proceed:
Define clearly what the situation is – something you wished was different e.g. a behavior, or a circumstance.
What would you like to see happen instead of the stated situation above?
Use the Classy Crucial Conversation Planner to assist you.
Using the Classy Crucial Conversation Planner:
1. Start with a Classy Statement to show your good will as opposed to a demand.
Example: “My desire is to have a win win and to support you and our customers as best as I can”.
2. Add another Classy Statement in the form of a question:
“Can I share something with you?” (the invitation).
3. The conversation:
“When (this) happens…” (share your issue/situation/what happened in your perception):
For example: “When you believe the customer over me…”
“I feel/think…” (how it affects you personally):
“I feel invalidated and hurt.”
“What I would like is…” (your expectation): Just be clear and say it…
“What I would like is for you to consider my view of what happened and also believe me as to the fact that it did happen.”
Then ask: “Can you do this?” Yes or No.
• If yes – confirm agreement: “Just so I’m clear, our agreement is….”
• If later the agreement is broken: “I thought our agreement was…”
• If no – Ask “Why?” . You may need more information (i.e.) maybe they have a good reason or a different understanding.
Source
First Evaluation of LGBT Educator Training Program
The secondary school training component of the New York City Department of Education's Respect for All initiative increased staff competency at addressing name-calling, bullying and harassment on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity/expression, and creating safer school environments for LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) students, a GLSEN report has found.
More than 9 in 10 educators (92.2%) said the training had caused them to do something differently in their educational practices.
"We are extremely encouraged by the findings," GLSEN Executive Director Eliza Byard said. "Our report indicates that an in-depth training program specifically focused on ensuring LGBT student safety can successfully prepare school staff for their role in maintaining a welcoming and safe environment for all students, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression."
The report is based on a GLSEN study evaluating the effectiveness of educator trainings that focus on reducing anti-LGBT bias and behavior in school- the first evaluation of its kind. GLSEN surveyed 813 educators at three times - before the training, six weeks after and six months after, and educators were also compared to those who had not completed the training.
The report focused on the effects of the training on educators' knowledge, awareness, beliefs and behaviors. Six weeks after the trainings participants had increased:
Knowledge of appropriate terms
Access to LGBT-related resources
Empathy for LGBT students
Communication with students and staff about LGBT issues
Engagement in activities to create safer schools for LGBT students (i.e., supporting Gay-Straight Alliances, including LGBT content in curriculum)
Awareness of how their own practices might have been harmful to LGBT students
Belief in the importance of intervening in anti-LGBT remarks
Frequency of intervention in anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying, and harassment
All but two of the above areas - empathy for LGBT students and frequency of intervention - maintained a statistically significant increase six months after the training. These findings suggest that a single training experience may not be sufficient to sustain long-term change in terms of empathy or intervention. Providing additional support and incorporating opportunities for skill-building may be crucial for longer-term changes in these areas. .
"We are grateful to the New York City Department of Education for investing in one of the most extensive educator training programs in the country," Byard said. "This report also shows, however, that additional efforts to develop skills may be necessary to sustain higher staff intervention levels and give educators tools to feel more comfortable addressing anti-LGBT bias and behavior in the classroom."
GLSEN also garnered qualitative feedback from participants about how the training affected them. Participants not only valued the training themselves - some even saying it was one of the best trainings they had experienced - but many advocated for all school staff to receive this training.
"Great training," said one middle school counselor/social worker. "It should be mandatory for teachers, administrators and anyone who comes in contact with children in the schools."
The training program, which was one component of the Respect for All initiative, was implemented by the New York City Department of Education (DOE) to ensure that every secondary school had at least one staff member who could support LGBT students and combat all forms of bias-based bullying and harassment, particularly bias based on sexual orientation or gender identity/gender expression.
"Promoting respect for diversity is central to the Department's mission to ensure that schools provide safe and respectful learning environments for all students," said Deputy Chancellor for Infrastructure and Planning Kathleen Grimm. "Over the past few years, we, in collaboration with partners such as GLSEN, have taken strong steps to reduce bullying and harassment in our schools."
The DOE collaborated with five nonprofit organizations to develop and deliver the Respect for All training program - GLSEN, the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), Morningside Center for Teaching Social Responsibility, Operation Respect, and Youth Enrichment Services (YES) of the New York City LGBT Community Center. GLSEN was a lead content provider for the training curriculum, and the training was delivered by trainers from all five organizations.
GLSEN is currently in the process of evaluating the second year of the training program.
Source
Bullying and Suicide
Bullying is recognized as a major public health problem in the Western world, and it appears to have devastating consequences. Cyberbullying has become an increasing public concern in light of recent cases associated with youth suicides that have been reported in the mass media.
Most of the studies that have examined the association between bullying and suicidality have been cross-sectional. Those studies show that bullying behavior in youth is associated with depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. These associations have been found in elementary school, middle school, and high school students. Moreover, victims of bullying consistently exhibit more depressive symptoms than nonvictims; they have high levels of suicidal ideation and are more likely to attempt suicide than nonvictims.
The results pertaining to bullies are less consistent. Some studies show an association with depression, while others do not. The prevalence of suicidal ideation is higher in bullies than in persons not involved in bullying behavior. Studies among middle school and high school students show an increased risk of suicidal behavior among bullies and victims. Both perpetrators and victims are at the highest risk for suicidal ideation and behavior.
Suicide Risk By Sex
Cross-sectional studies of the differential impact of school bullying by sex on the risk of depression and suicidal ideation have shown significant associations, but the results are not consistent. Some researchers have found stronger associations among girls.
Dr Klomek is adjunct senior lecturer at the School of Psychology, Interdisciplinary Center (IDC) Herzliya, Israel; a scientist at the Feinberg Child Study Center, Schneider Children’s Medical Center of Israel; and an adjunct associate research scientist in the division of child and adolescent psychiatry at Columbia University in New York. Dr Sourander is professor of child psychiatry at Turku University Hospital in Finland. Dr Gould is professor in the department of epidemiology of the division of child psychiatry at Columbia University and a research scientist at the New York State Psychiatric Institute in New York. The authors report no conflicts of interest concerning the subject matter of this article.
Bullying is recognized as a major public health problem in the Western world, and it appears to have devastating consequences. Cyberbullying has become an increasing public concern in light of recent cases associated with youth suicides that have been reported in the mass media.
Most of the studies that have examined the association between bullying and suicidality have been cross-sectional. Those studies show that bullying behavior in youth is associated with depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. These associations have been found in elementary school, middle school, and high school students. Moreover, victims of bullying consistently exhibit more depressive symptoms than nonvictims; they have high levels of suicidal ideation and are more likely to attempt suicide than nonvictims.
The results pertaining to bullies are less consistent. Some studies show an association with depression, while others do not. The prevalence of suicidal ideation is higher in bullies than in persons not involved in bullying behavior. Studies among middle school and high school students show an increased risk of suicidal behavior among bullies and victims. Both perpetrators and victims are at the highest risk for suicidal ideation and behavior.
Suicide risk by sex
Cross-sectional studies of the differential impact of school bullying by sex on the risk of depression and suicidal ideation have shown significant associations, but the results are not consistent. Some researchers have found stronger associations among girls.
Kim and colleagues reported that girls who were involved with school bullying (as either victim or perpetrator) were at significantly greater risk for suicidal ideation. Roland found that girls who were bullies had more suicidal thoughts. Van der Wal and colleagues found a strong association between being bullied and depression and suicidal ideation in girls, and Luukkonen and colleagues found that being bullied and bullying others are both potential risk factors for suicidal behavior in girls.
On the other hand, Rigby and Slee found that the association between being a bully and suicidal ideation applied only to boys. McMahon and colleagues recently reported that boys who had been bullied at school were more depressed and had a higher risk of thoughts about harming themselves and self-harming behavior than boys who had not been bullied. Kaltiala-Heino and colleagues reported that among girls, severe suicidal ideation was associated with frequently being bullied or being a bully and for boys it was associated with being a bully. No association was found between boys and girls for depressive symptoms.
Our earlier work tried to explain the differences in the risks of depression and suicidality between girls and boys; we suggested that there is a difference in the threshold for depression and suicide between the sexes. Girls who bullied others were at risk for depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts even when the bullying was infrequent. However, only frequent bullying was associated with depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts among boys.
There may be a different sex threshold in victimization as well. Among girls, victimization at any frequency increased the risk of depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. On the other hand, only frequent victimization increased the risk of depression and suicidal ideation in boys, although infrequent victimization was associated with an increased risk of suicide attempts.
Only a few longitudinal studies of bullying behavior and later depression or suicidal ideation and behavior have been published. These studies provide evidence that bullying behaviors constitute more than mere correlates of depression and suicidality. A study of Norwegian youth reported that children who were being seriously bullied at age 11 years suffered from bouts of depression as young adults. In a study of young adolescents in Australia, victimization in the 8th grade was associated with onset of symptoms of depression the following year. However, follow-up work done in Finland on children involved in bullying in the 8th grade showed that when psychiatric symptoms were taken into account, involvement in bullying did not independently increase the likelihood of depressive symptoms at age 15.
Similar results were seen in a 2-year follow-up of peer victimization among Australian students in their first 2 years of high school. Victimization at study baseline was not predictive of psychiatric health as measured by the General Health Questionnaire (GHQ) after baseline health status was taken into account.
Additional longitudinal studies have predicted psychiatric problems from bullying behavior; however, these do not provide information on the suicidal outcome of bullying behavior. Kim and colleagues studied the impact of bullying on later suicidal/self-injurious behaviors and ideation among a sample of 1655 Korean students from grades 7 and 8. Girls who were perpetrators and boys with later-onset bullying behaviors were at increased risk for suicidal/self-injurious behaviors and ideation 10 months later, even after controlling for other suicide risk factors, such as anxiety and depression.
Contradictory results were seen in studies that examined the association between childhood bullying behavior and later depression, suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, and completed suicide.17,18 Among a large cohort of Finnish boys born in 1981, bullying behavior at age 8 years was associated with severe depression 10 years later, even when controlling for childhood depression. However, bullying behavior at age 8 years was not associated with suicidal ideation 10 years later when controlling for childhood depression.
Read more at the Psychiatric Times
Prevention
Bullying Prevention Resource Guide
PACER Center's Kid's Guide to Bullying - focus on children with disabilities
A Teacher's Guide to Bullying Prevention
Awareness
Bullying.org
Bullying.org's purpose is to prevent bullying in our society through education and awareness. We provide educational programs and resources to individuals, families, educational institutions and organizations. We make available online learning and educational resources in order to help people deal effectively and positively with the act of bullying and its long-lasting negative consequences.
Bullying Awareness Week
The idea for a Bullying Awareness Week began with Canadian father and educator Bill Belsey. Not not long after he launched the educational Web site www.bullying.org on February 16, 2000, he was often asked to make presentations about bullying to media and in schools and communities across Canada and around the world. Through the Web site and his travels, he quickly realized that bullying was an issue that touches all people, directly or indirectly, regardless of their age, gender, culture, religion or nationality. (read more at the site)
Bullying UK
Resources for schools and teachers - NSPCC (UK)
StopBullying.gov
Help & Support
Cyberbully Help
Daily Strength - Support group
Helping Kids Deal With Bullies
LGBT Youth Line
LGBTQ Online High School
Matthew's Place
Resources on Bullying and Cyberbullying - NYTimes
PFLAG
National Crime Prevention Council
Suicide.org
The Trevor Project
Welcoming Schools
Suicide & Mental Health
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Crisis Links
National Mental Health Association
Help Starts Here - Resource links
Samaritans - Hong Kong
Samaritans - United Kingdom
SAVE - Suicide Awareness Voices of Education
Suicide Hotlines
Suicide Prevention Resource Center
Additional Links
Anti-Bullying - focus on homophobia
Bully Free Alberta
Bully Free At Work
GLSEN - Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network
National Association of School Psychologists - Dialogs on bullying/homophobia
PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Stomp Out Bullying
Workplace Bullying Institute
PDF Files
Addressing Research Gaps in the Intersection Between Homophobia and Bullying
Homophobic Teasing, Psychological Outcomes, and Sexual Orientation Among High School Students: What Influence Do Parents and Schools Have
Please post additional threads and links in official threads posted in the comments for easier access to other members. What's especially needed are foreign language links and resources outside of the United States, however, any link can be helpful to someone so don't be afraid to post links and resources that pertain to the US.
SPECIFIC TRIGGER WARNINGS: suicide, depression, abuse
IMAGE CONTENT: Nothing graphic, just a few stock photos of kids looking lonely
These posts are a "safe space" to ask questions you might otherwise be too shy to. Please do not reply to people with "Plz Google" or "educate yourself". Everyone should enter them with a learn and teach mindset (in that order). WITH THAT SAID, HOWEVER, please remain mindful of your questions and phrasing, be open-minded, learn, and know when to be quiet. If you are flippant with your ignorance, I will not stop angered members from telling you about yourself.
In honor of Bullying Awareness Week (in Canada!)
Bullying
Bullying is often overshadowed by more dramatic incidents of violence, especially those involving firearms. And bullying is far too often seen as an inevitable part of school-yard culture. But the consequences of bullying are serious. The personal costs of bullying can reverberate throughout the lifespan – affecting not only victims and perpetrators, but their families, friends, and co-workers. The economic costs of bullying are paid by schools, law enforcement agencies, health care providers, and social service agencies.
Fortunately, bullying and its consequences are not inevitable. Schools, community-based organizations, and other agencies can work to prevent bullying and reduce its personal and social costs. This publication was designed to help schools and other agencies take steps toward those goals.
What is bullying?
Bullying is intentional and persistent aggressive behavior. It can include physical violence, teasing and name-calling, and intimidation. Bullying can be related to the harassment of racial and ethnic minorities and gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth. Surveys indicate that 11 percent of American schoolchildren in the sixth through the tenth grades have been bullied, 13 percent have engaged in bullying, and six percent have been both perpetrators and victims of bullying (Nansel, et al.2001).
Who are the victims of and perpetratos of bullying?
Bullies tend to be larger than their peers. They are aggressive, quick to anger, impulsive, lack empathy, and have a need to dominate others. The victims of bullies tend to be cautious, anxious, and have low-self esteem. They are often socially isolated and smaller than their peers (National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center, 2003).
What are the consequences of bullying?
Bullying does not have to result in physical injury to cause damage. Victims of bullying report more sleeping difficulties, despondency, headaches, stomach pains, and other health symptoms than other children (Williams, et al. 1996). They may be afraid to go to school, which can affect their academic achievement. Victims also suffer from depression and low self-esteem (Olweus, 1993; Batsche and Knoff, 1994). Children and adolescents who are bullied, as well as those who bully, are at increased risk for depression and suicidal ideation (Riittakerttu, et al. 1999). There is some evidence that bullying may be related to school shooting incidents, such as the one that resulted in the deaths of 12 students and a teacher in Littleton, Colorado. One study concluded that perpetrators of such violence were more than twice as likely to report being bullied (Anderson, et al. 2001).
Educators and mental health practitioners recognize that physical and emotional stressors that interfere with a child’s education and emotional well-being in the middle school years can have life-long consequences. Academic failure during these years often leads to a lack of academic and vocational success in later life. Emotional problems that begin during this important developmental period have a profound impact upon the child – and later the adolescent and adult – and his or her happiness and relationships with family, friends, significant others, and coworkers.
The patterns of behavior exhibited by bullies can also affect their future lives and the lives of those with whom they come into contact. Evidence indicates that bullies do not “outgrow” this behavior but carry it into their adult personal, family, and work relationships. There is also evidence that the patterns of behavior reinforced by bullying can carry over into how bullies raise their own children. Research implies that children who engage in bullying are more likely to come from homes in which parents have an extremely harsh discipline style or are extremely permissive and have little emotional or physical involvement in their children’s lives (Olweus, 1993).
Can bullying be prevented?
Knowledge about how bullying can be prevented has increased dramatically in the last two decades. Research has taught us much about preventing bullying, about treating the victims of bullying, and about stopping children from bullying others. As with other violence prevention efforts, bullying is best addressed by a comprehensive approach involving education, the school environment, and the creation and enforcement of consistent discipline programs.
Evaluation and research evidence demonstrate that bullying prevention programs can be effective. The Olweus Bullying Prevention Program (Olweus, 1993) for example, has been identified by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSHA) as being a model program with proven results.
What can schools do?
There is much that can – and should – be done by schools to prevent bullying. Schools should take bullying seriously and demonstrate to students that bullying and other forms of harassment and intimidation will not be tolerated. Schools can do the following:
- Develop and implement safe school policies and plans that specifically address bullying.
- Explicitly include bullying in school discipline codes and enforce these codes fairly and consistently.
- Choose and implement violence prevention and health promotion curricula that include bullying prevention.
- Create a school culture in which students and staff know that bullying is wrong and will not be tolerated and in which students and staff will report bullying to counselors and other staff who will take action. Research demonstrates that levels of bullying are related to the willingness of adults to intervene (Olweus, 1993).
- Provide mental health or counseling services or referrals for both victims and perpetrators of bullying.
- Implement training for teachers, administrators, guidance counselors, and school nurses on how to recognize and respond to bullying.
- Educate parents in the signs of bullying and involve them in bullying prevention activities.
What can mental health professionals do?
Public health and mental health professionals, especially those involved in violence prevention or youth development programs, also have a large role to play in preventing bullying. They can do the following:
- Use opportunities, including wellness exams and other patient visits, to assess children for signs of bullying.
- Partner with schools that implement bullying prevention programs by accepting service referrals for bullying victim or perpetrator referrals.
- Integrate bullying prevention strategies into their program’s youth activities.
- Educate public health workers, educators, parents, law enforcement professionals, and emergency medical technicians about bullying and how to recognize those at risk.
- Partner with schools to implement comprehensive bullying prevention programs.
- Help schools and community-based organizations evaluate their bullying prevention efforts.
Where can I go for more information?
In addition to the National Center for Mental Health Promotion and Violence Prevention, there are a number of other organizations that offer resources and assistance on bullying prevention.
The National Violence Prevention Youth Resource Center offers a number of extremely valuable Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) documents on bullying, as well as guides and links to research and resources on bullying prevention.
The Center for the Study and Prevention of Violence at the University of Colorado offers a wealth of resources on bullying and prevention.
The Stop Bullying Now Campaign, sponsored by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, offers educational materials for parents, educators, and health professionals.
Source
The Twelve Types of Bullying
The Twelve Types of Bullying
Pressure bullying or unwitting bullying is where the stress of the moment causes behaviour to deteriorate; the person becomes short-tempered, irritable and may shout or swear at others. Everybody does this from time to time, but when the pressure is removed, behaviour returns to normal, the person recognises the inappropriateness of their behaviour, makes amends, and may apologise, and - crucially - learns from the experience so that next time the situation arises they are better able to deal with it. This is "normal" behaviour and I do not include pressure bullying in my definition of workplace bullying.
Organisational bullying is a combination of pressure bullying and corporate bullying, and occurs when an organisation struggles to adapt to changing markets, reduced income, cuts in budgets, imposed expectations, and other external pressures.
Corporate bullying is where the employer abuses employees with impunity knowing that the law is weak and jobs are scarce, eg:
- coercing employees to work 60/70/80 weeks on a regular basis then making life hell for (or dismissing) anyone who objects
- dismissing anyone who looks like having a stress breakdown as it's cheaper (in the UK) to pay the costs of unfair dismissal at Employment Tribunal (eg £50K maximum, but awards are usually paltry) than risk facing a personal injury claim for stress breakdown (eg £175K as in the John Walker case)
- introduces "absence management" to deny employees annual or sick leave to which they are genuinely entitled
- regularly snoops and spies on employees, eg by listening in to telephone conversations, using the mystery shopper, contacting customers behind employees backs and asking leading questions, conducting covert video surveillance (perhaps by fellow employees), sending personnel officers or private investigators to an employee's home to interrogate the employees whilst on sick leave, threatening employees with interrogation the moment they return from sick leave, etc.
- deems any employee suffering from stress as weak and inadequate whilst aggressively ignoring and denying the cause of stress (bad management and bullying)
- "encourages" employees (with promises of promotion and/or threats of disciplinary action) to fabricate complaints about their colleagues
- employees are "encouraged" to give up full-time permanent positions in favour of short-term contracts; anyone who resists has their life made hell
Institutional bullying is similar to corporate bullying and arises when bullying becomes entrenched and accepted as part of the culture. People are moved, long-existing contracts are replaced with new short-term contracts on less favourable terms with the accompanying threat of "agree to this or else", workloads are increased, work schedules are changed, roles are changed, career progression paths are blocked or terminated, etc - and all of this is without consultation.
Client bullying is where employees are bullied by those they serve, eg teachers are bullied (and often assaulted) by pupils and their parents, nurses are bullied by patients and their relatives, social workers are bullied by their clients, and shop/bank/building society staff are bullied by customers. Often the client is claiming their perceived right (eg to better service) in an abusive, derogatory and often physically violent manner. Client bullying can also be employees bullying their clients.
Serial bullying is where the source of all dysfunction can be traced to one individual, who picks on one employee after another and destroys them. This is the most common type of bullying I come across; most of this web site is devoted to describing and defining the serial bully, who exhibits the behavioural characteristics of a socialised psychopath. Most people know at least one person in their life with the profile of the serial bully; most people do not recognise this person as a socialised psychopath, or sociopath. I estimate one person in thirty is either a physically-violent psychopath who commits criminal acts, or an antisocial whose behaviour is antisocial, or a sociopath who commits mostly non-arrestable offences. For an in-depth insight into serial bullying, click here.
Secondary bullying is mostly unwitting bullying which people start exhibiting when there's a serial bully in the department. The pressure of trying to deal with a dysfunctional, divisive and aggressive serial bully causes everyone's behaviour to decline.
Pair bullying is a serial bully with a colleague. Often one does the talking whilst the other watches and listens. Usually it's the quiet one you need to watch. Usually they are of opposite gender and frequently there's an affair going on.
Gang bullying is a serial bully with colleagues. Gangs can occur anywhere, but flourish in corporate bullying climates. If the bully is an extrovert, they are likely to be leading from the front; they may also be a shouter and screamer, and thus easily identifiable (and recordable on tape and video-able). If the bully is an introvert, that person will be in the background initiating the mayhem but probably not taking an active part, and may thus be harder to identify. A common tactic of this type of bully is to tell everybody a different story - usually about what others are alleged to have said about that person - and encourage each person to think they are the only one with the correct story. Introvert bullies are the most dangerous bullies.
Half the people in the gang are happy for the opportunity to behave badly, they gain gratification from the feeling of power and control, and enjoy the patronage, protection and reward from the serial bully. The other half of the gang are coerced into joining in, usually through fear of being the next target if they don't. If anything backfires, one of these coercees will be the scapegoat and sacrificial lamb on whom enraged targets will be encouraged to vent their anger. The serial bully watches from a safe distance. Serial bullies gain a great deal of gratification from encouraging and watching others engage in conflict, especially those who might otherwise pool negative information about them.
Gang bullying or group bullying is often called mobbing and usually involves scapegoating and victimisation.
Vicarious bullying is where two parties are encouraged to engage in adversarial interaction or conflict. Similar to gang bullying, although the bully may or may not be directly connected with either of the two parties. One party becomes the bully's instrument of harassment and is deceived and manipulated into bullying the other party. An example of vicarious bullying is where the serial bully creates conflict between employer and employee, participating occasionally to stoke the conflict, but rarely taking an active part in the conflict themselves.
Regulation bullying is where a serial bully forces their target to comply with rules, regulations, procedures or laws regardless of their appropriateness, applicability or necessity. Legal bullying - the bringing of a vexatious legal action to control and punish a person - is one of the nastiest forms of bullying.
Residual bullying is the bullying of all kinds that continues after the serial bully has left. Like recruits like and like promotes like, therefore the serial bully bequeaths a dysfunctional environment to those who are left. This can last for years.
Cyber bullying is the misuse of email systems or Internet forums etc for sending aggressive flame mails. Serial bullies have few communication skills (and often none), thus the impersonal nature of email makes it an ideal tool for causing conflict. Sometimes called cyberstalking.
In environments where bullying is the norm, most people will eventually either become bullies or become targets. There are few bystanders, as most people will eventually be sucked in. It's about survival: you either adopt bullying tactics yourself and thus survive by not becoming a target, or you stand up against bullying and refuse to join in, in which case you are bullied, harassed, victimized and scapegoated until your health is so severely impaired that you have a stress breakdown (this is a psychiatric injury, not a mental illness - see health page for details on stress, or the PTSD page for details on psychiatric injury), take ill-health retirement, leave, find yourself unexpectedly selected for redundancy, or are unfairly dismissed.
Hierarchical bullying, peer bullying, upward bullying
The majority of cases of workplace bullying reported to the UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line and Bully OnLine involve an individual being bullied by their manager, and these account for around 75% of cases. Around a quarter of cases involve bullying and harassment by peers (often with the collusion of a manager either by proactive involvement or by the manager refusing to take action). A small number of cases (around 1-2%) involve the bullying of a manager by a subordinate. Serial bullies like to tap into hierarchical power, but they also generate their own power by simply choosing to bully with impunity and justifying or denying their behaviour with rationalisation, manipulation, deception or lying.
In a case of bullying of a manager by a subordinate, it's my view that as bullying is a form of violence (at the psychological and emotional lever rather than the physical) it's the responsibility of the employer, not the individual manager, to deal with violence at work.
Source
Workplace Bullying
I have written previously on workplace violence; this time, I am going to offer a few thoughts on bullying in the workplace, which a number of experts see as a form of workplace violence. Dr. Gary Namie has described bullying as “psychological violence,” and I think that is a very good description. The article will also touch on cyber-bullying, a new form of bullying that is as current as today’s headlines. (See, also, Pondering the Impact of Workplace Violence.)
You may have read the very recent – and profoundly disturbing – headline about a Missouri woman who was found guilty of misdemeanor crimes in a “MySpace” cyber-bullying case linked to a 13-year-old girl’s suicide. According to prosecutors, the woman conspired with her young daughter and a business associate to create a fictitious profile of a 16-year-old boy on MySpace to harass Megan Meier, apparently in an effort to humiliate Megan for saying mean things about her daughter.
The “boy” sent flirtatious messages to Megan, but then abruptly changed to a very harsh tone, telling her “The world would be a better place without you.” After receiving that message, Megan hanged herself with a belt in her bedroom closet. According to prosecutors, the woman knew that Megan suffered from depression and was emotionally fragile.
A major USA Today article dated November 19, 2008, entitled “Bullying devastates lives,” and chronicled the sad stories of three women who experienced constant bullying in school – one for having red hair, one for being shy, and one for being “different.”
The three women, now ranging in age from 28 to 52, continue to be affected by the bullying that they suffered in school. According to Daniel Nelson, medical director of the Child Psychology Unit at the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center, “…there’s no question that ‘unrelenting,’ daily hostilities that maybe escalate to threats or actual aggression can be on par with torture…,” or that ” repeated and severe bullying can cause psychological trauma.” Nelson went on to observe that “There’s no question that bullying in certain instances can be absolutely devastating.”
A companion article talked about a high school girl whose epileptic seizures – of all things! – had made her a target in three different schools. She was so traumatized by the tormenting that she dropped out of school and is now pursuing independent study; the young woman “suffers so much that she could not be interviewed” for the article. Sisters Emily and Sarah Buder, appalled by the news, wrote letters to the girl and asked friends to do so as well. They hoped for 50 letters; the current total is 6,500, and counting!
I also ran across a November 7 Reuters article entitled “Bullies may get kick out of seeing others in pain.” In this one, University of Chicago “researchers compared eight boys ages 16 to 18 with aggressive conduct disorder to a group of eight adolescent boys with no unusual signs of aggression.” The article went on to state that, in the “aggressive teens, areas of the brain linked with feeling rewarded…became very active when they observed video clips of pain being inflicted on others. But they showed little activity in an area of the brain involved in self-regulation…as was seen in the control group.”
Researcher Benjamin Lahey noted that “It is entirely possible their brains are lighting in the way they are because they experience seeing pain in others as exciting and fun and pleasurable.” Lahey went on to say that “the differences between the two groups were strong and striking, but cautioned that the study was small and needs to be confirmed by a larger study.”
How does all of this relate to the Federal workplace?
Bullying, whether via the latest technologies or by more traditional means, is a growing problem in American workplaces of all kinds, and I don’t see why Federal agencies would be exceptions.
In fact, I just received an e-mail from a woman who indicated that she has been bullied so severely in her current job, to include being screamed at in anger by managers and treated with no respect by some of her co-workers, that she felt compelled to tell her story to someone. I have received similar comments from other FedSmith.com readers in the past in response to articles I have written that may have touched on the subject, so I know that there are employees in a number of Federal agencies who feel they are being bullied.
I think the following guidance, adapted from Violence in the Workplace Prevention Guide, published in 2001 by the Canadian Centre for Occupational Health & Safety (CCOHS), is worth a look whether you are a Federal manager, supervisor, or non-supervisory employee.
What is workplace bullying?
Bullying is usually seen as acts or verbal comments that could ‘mentally’ hurt or isolate a person in the workplace. Sometimes, bullying can involve negative physical contact as well. Bullying usually involves repeated incidents or a pattern of behavior that is intended to intimidate, offend, degrade or humiliate a particular person or group of people. It has also been described as the assertion of power through aggression.
What are examples of bullying?
While bullying is a form of aggression, the actions can be both obvious and subtle. It is important to note that the following is not a checklist, nor does it mention all forms of bullying. This list is included as a way of showing some of the ways bullying may happen in a workplace. Also remember that bullying is usually considered to be a pattern of behavior where one or more incidents will help show that bullying is taking place.
Examples:
Spreading malicious rumors, gossip, or innuendo that is not true
Excluding or isolating someone socially
Intimidating a person
Undermining or deliberately impeding a person’s work
Physically abusing or threatening abuse
Removing areas of responsibilities without cause
Constantly changing work guidelines
Establishing impossible deadlines that will set up the individual to fail
Withholding necessary information or purposefully giving the wrong information
Making jokes that are ‘obviously offensive’ by spoken word or e-mail
Intruding on a person’s privacy by pestering, spying or stalking
Assigning unreasonable duties or workload which are unfavorable to one person (in a way that creates unnecessary pressure)
Under work – creating a feeling of uselessness
Yelling or using profanity
Criticizing a person persistently or constantly
Belittling a person’s opinions
Unwarranted (or undeserved) punishment
Blocking applications for training, leave or promotion
Tampering with a person’s personal belongings or work equipment.
It is sometimes hard to know if bullying is happening at the workplace. Many studies acknowledge that there is a “fine line” between strong management and bullying. Comments that are objective and are intended to provide constructive feedback are not usually considered bullying, but rather are intended to assist the employee with their work.
If you are not sure an action or statement could be considered bullying, you can use the “reasonable person” test. Would most people consider the action unacceptable?
How can bullying affect an individual?
People who are the targets of bullying may experience a range of effects. These reactions include:
Shock
Anger
Feelings of frustration and/or helplessness
Increased sense of vulnerability
Loss of confidence
Physical symptoms such as:
Inability to sleep
Loss of appetite
Psychosomatic symptoms such as:
Stomach pains
Headaches
Panic or anxiety, especially about going to work
Family tension and stress
Inability to concentrate
Low morale and productivity
How bullying can affect the workplace?
Bullying affects the overall “health” of an organization. An “unhealthy” workplace can have many effects. In general these include:
Increased absenteeism
Increased turnoverv
Increased stress
Increased costs for employee assistance programs (EAPs), recruitment, etc.
Increased risk for accidents / incidents
Decreased productivity and motivation
Decreased morale
Reduced corporate image and customer confidence
Poorer customer service
What can an employer do?
Final Thoughts: I believe that managers and supervisors are morally responsible for ensuring that employees are not bullied in the workplace, but I also think that it makes good business sense.
For example, I can see real potential for people who feel they are being bullied relentlessly to eventually reach their limit and attempt to hurt either themselves or others. I believe that many of the students who have wreaked violence on their schools, such as Harris and Klebold at Columbine High School, or planned to do so, cited being picked on relentlessly as at least one of the motivating factors for their attacks.
While most employees who are bullied are unlikely to strike out at their perceived tormentors – in fact, they are more likely to absorb the bullying without saying anything to anyone – I can’t imagine anyone doing their best work when they are feeling bullied and humiliated and/or are fearful for their safety. Accordingly, I maintain that it is in management’s interest to maintain a respectful work environment and not to tolerate any bullying behavior.
I would advise managers and supervisors to start by examining their own behavior – soliciting feedback from trusted colleagues might be part of the process – to make sure they are not engaging in any bullying of their own, however inadvertent. I would also suggest that they let employees know that bullying, like workplace violence and threats, will not be tolerated, and tell employees who feel they are being bullied to report it to management immediately.
Source
Bullying is Domestic Violence at Work
In so many ways the two phenomena uncannily mirror each other. With bullying and partner violence, the abuser's motive to control and dominate the victim starts the process and determines the nature and extent of the sick, twisted relationship that follows. The perpetrator objectifies the victim. In 98% of domestic violence cases, the perpetrator is the man. In bullying, the majority of abusers, 62%, are male; women are famously perpetrators, too. So, regardless of gender, the bully-abuser dehumanizes her or his prey. She can have such contempt for the target that she refuses to grant even the minimal respect due to a fellow human being. Dehumanization enables the severe mistreatment. When the recipient is not seen as an equal, it is easy to denigrate, belittle and humiliate. The target is a lesser-than object not deserving decent treatment.
The forms of mistreatment that accompany objectification can cause emotional harm. The digs are ad homonym attacks about the person's worthlessness and undeservedness. These assaults result in stress-related health harm, both physical and psychological. Emotional harm outlasts physical injuries that occur in domestic violence cases. The abused spouse is likely to suffer more from emotional damage than from broken bones, which heal relatively quickly. The legacy of emotional torment, the traumatization, can last a lifetime after infliction. With bullying, there is typically no physical violence, only the emotional.
Another overlap between domestic violence and bullying is that friends close to the two key players tend to distance themselves from abusive situations. This gives them cover to plausibly resist getting involved. Doing nothing becomes easier if they are not present when the abuse happens. Closest friends of the abuser tend to justify the actions. "He wouldn't hurt a fly." "When I'm with him, he is a gentle, kind soul." "She's absolutely brilliant and because she doesn't suffer fools gladly, people working for her have to learn to adapt to her style."
Finally, institutions initially duck their responsibility to act. For years, domestic violence cases perplexed police officers called to homes during an abuser's attack. Without the fearful victim agreeing to file charges, nothing could be done. Now that criminal laws are in place, police can apprehend abusers when warranted, regardless of the victim's willingness to go along. Note that it took laws to allow law enforcement to intervene on behalf of injured and abused domestic violence victims. The enactment of laws made the difference.
With respect to workplace bullying, employers -- the institutions that host the abusers -- loathe holding bullies accountable. A former director of a federal agency (Minerals Management Services) refused to terminate a bully division chief, as we had recommended. He said, "No, I won't do it because he is a great conversationalist and a lunch buddy." Well there you have it. No need to act, he wouldn't harm a fly. The evidence spoke otherwise. All employees in that division were stressed. There were multiple heart attacks, strokes and other cardiovascular complications from working for the bully. But friendship with the executive trumped all reason.
Years later, in 2010, when the BP oil platform exploded in the Gulf of Mexico killing 11 workers and poisoning the environment, MMS made news. They were the agency whose employees had committed serious ethical violations. MMS was corrupt. Its culture was corrupt when it allowed the bullying to damage so many lives for glib reasons stated by the inept director.
Will laws be required to compel employers to stop abusers on the payroll? After all it took laws to disrupt domestic violence.
Read more about workplace bullying and domestic violence at the source.
Crucial Conversation Strategy: How to talk to a bully
The difference between workplace bullying and disrespectful behavior
How To Have a Classy Crucial Conversation that Counts:
Classy: Respectful, win-win, seeking the best for all.
Crucial: A needed conversation to move an issue forward for what’s “best” for the company
Conversation: A dialogue where both people are engaged and exchanging ideas and information.
Counts: Be sure that the conversation ends with a resolution or shared agreement.
Keys for a Classy Crucial Conversation:
In order to have more control, the target should decide when the conversation will take place. Do not react to when the Bully attacks you; decide when you are ready to converse in order to get the best outcome.
As a target, the Bully is hoping you do not have the strength to stand up for yourself. They feel better when you are down.
By having a classy crucial conversation you will be starting to set stronger boundaries, which will protect you and help to avoid future conflicts.
How to Proceed:
Define clearly what the situation is – something you wished was different e.g. a behavior, or a circumstance.
What would you like to see happen instead of the stated situation above?
Use the Classy Crucial Conversation Planner to assist you.
Using the Classy Crucial Conversation Planner:
1. Start with a Classy Statement to show your good will as opposed to a demand.
Example: “My desire is to have a win win and to support you and our customers as best as I can”.
2. Add another Classy Statement in the form of a question:
“Can I share something with you?” (the invitation).
3. The conversation:
“When (this) happens…” (share your issue/situation/what happened in your perception):
For example: “When you believe the customer over me…”
“I feel/think…” (how it affects you personally):
“I feel invalidated and hurt.”
“What I would like is…” (your expectation): Just be clear and say it…
“What I would like is for you to consider my view of what happened and also believe me as to the fact that it did happen.”
Then ask: “Can you do this?” Yes or No.
• If yes – confirm agreement: “Just so I’m clear, our agreement is….”
• If later the agreement is broken: “I thought our agreement was…”
• If no – Ask “Why?” . You may need more information (i.e.) maybe they have a good reason or a different understanding.
Source
First Evaluation of LGBT Educator Training Program
The secondary school training component of the New York City Department of Education's Respect for All initiative increased staff competency at addressing name-calling, bullying and harassment on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity/expression, and creating safer school environments for LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) students, a GLSEN report has found.
More than 9 in 10 educators (92.2%) said the training had caused them to do something differently in their educational practices.
"We are extremely encouraged by the findings," GLSEN Executive Director Eliza Byard said. "Our report indicates that an in-depth training program specifically focused on ensuring LGBT student safety can successfully prepare school staff for their role in maintaining a welcoming and safe environment for all students, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression."
The report is based on a GLSEN study evaluating the effectiveness of educator trainings that focus on reducing anti-LGBT bias and behavior in school- the first evaluation of its kind. GLSEN surveyed 813 educators at three times - before the training, six weeks after and six months after, and educators were also compared to those who had not completed the training.
The report focused on the effects of the training on educators' knowledge, awareness, beliefs and behaviors. Six weeks after the trainings participants had increased:
Knowledge of appropriate terms
Access to LGBT-related resources
Empathy for LGBT students
Communication with students and staff about LGBT issues
Engagement in activities to create safer schools for LGBT students (i.e., supporting Gay-Straight Alliances, including LGBT content in curriculum)
Awareness of how their own practices might have been harmful to LGBT students
Belief in the importance of intervening in anti-LGBT remarks
Frequency of intervention in anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying, and harassment
All but two of the above areas - empathy for LGBT students and frequency of intervention - maintained a statistically significant increase six months after the training. These findings suggest that a single training experience may not be sufficient to sustain long-term change in terms of empathy or intervention. Providing additional support and incorporating opportunities for skill-building may be crucial for longer-term changes in these areas. .
"We are grateful to the New York City Department of Education for investing in one of the most extensive educator training programs in the country," Byard said. "This report also shows, however, that additional efforts to develop skills may be necessary to sustain higher staff intervention levels and give educators tools to feel more comfortable addressing anti-LGBT bias and behavior in the classroom."
GLSEN also garnered qualitative feedback from participants about how the training affected them. Participants not only valued the training themselves - some even saying it was one of the best trainings they had experienced - but many advocated for all school staff to receive this training.
"Great training," said one middle school counselor/social worker. "It should be mandatory for teachers, administrators and anyone who comes in contact with children in the schools."
The training program, which was one component of the Respect for All initiative, was implemented by the New York City Department of Education (DOE) to ensure that every secondary school had at least one staff member who could support LGBT students and combat all forms of bias-based bullying and harassment, particularly bias based on sexual orientation or gender identity/gender expression.
"Promoting respect for diversity is central to the Department's mission to ensure that schools provide safe and respectful learning environments for all students," said Deputy Chancellor for Infrastructure and Planning Kathleen Grimm. "Over the past few years, we, in collaboration with partners such as GLSEN, have taken strong steps to reduce bullying and harassment in our schools."
The DOE collaborated with five nonprofit organizations to develop and deliver the Respect for All training program - GLSEN, the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), Morningside Center for Teaching Social Responsibility, Operation Respect, and Youth Enrichment Services (YES) of the New York City LGBT Community Center. GLSEN was a lead content provider for the training curriculum, and the training was delivered by trainers from all five organizations.
GLSEN is currently in the process of evaluating the second year of the training program.
Source
Bullying and Suicide
Bullying is recognized as a major public health problem in the Western world, and it appears to have devastating consequences. Cyberbullying has become an increasing public concern in light of recent cases associated with youth suicides that have been reported in the mass media.
Most of the studies that have examined the association between bullying and suicidality have been cross-sectional. Those studies show that bullying behavior in youth is associated with depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. These associations have been found in elementary school, middle school, and high school students. Moreover, victims of bullying consistently exhibit more depressive symptoms than nonvictims; they have high levels of suicidal ideation and are more likely to attempt suicide than nonvictims.
The results pertaining to bullies are less consistent. Some studies show an association with depression, while others do not. The prevalence of suicidal ideation is higher in bullies than in persons not involved in bullying behavior. Studies among middle school and high school students show an increased risk of suicidal behavior among bullies and victims. Both perpetrators and victims are at the highest risk for suicidal ideation and behavior.
Suicide Risk By Sex
Cross-sectional studies of the differential impact of school bullying by sex on the risk of depression and suicidal ideation have shown significant associations, but the results are not consistent. Some researchers have found stronger associations among girls.
Dr Klomek is adjunct senior lecturer at the School of Psychology, Interdisciplinary Center (IDC) Herzliya, Israel; a scientist at the Feinberg Child Study Center, Schneider Children’s Medical Center of Israel; and an adjunct associate research scientist in the division of child and adolescent psychiatry at Columbia University in New York. Dr Sourander is professor of child psychiatry at Turku University Hospital in Finland. Dr Gould is professor in the department of epidemiology of the division of child psychiatry at Columbia University and a research scientist at the New York State Psychiatric Institute in New York. The authors report no conflicts of interest concerning the subject matter of this article.
Bullying is recognized as a major public health problem in the Western world, and it appears to have devastating consequences. Cyberbullying has become an increasing public concern in light of recent cases associated with youth suicides that have been reported in the mass media.
Most of the studies that have examined the association between bullying and suicidality have been cross-sectional. Those studies show that bullying behavior in youth is associated with depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. These associations have been found in elementary school, middle school, and high school students. Moreover, victims of bullying consistently exhibit more depressive symptoms than nonvictims; they have high levels of suicidal ideation and are more likely to attempt suicide than nonvictims.
The results pertaining to bullies are less consistent. Some studies show an association with depression, while others do not. The prevalence of suicidal ideation is higher in bullies than in persons not involved in bullying behavior. Studies among middle school and high school students show an increased risk of suicidal behavior among bullies and victims. Both perpetrators and victims are at the highest risk for suicidal ideation and behavior.
Suicide risk by sex
Cross-sectional studies of the differential impact of school bullying by sex on the risk of depression and suicidal ideation have shown significant associations, but the results are not consistent. Some researchers have found stronger associations among girls.
Kim and colleagues reported that girls who were involved with school bullying (as either victim or perpetrator) were at significantly greater risk for suicidal ideation. Roland found that girls who were bullies had more suicidal thoughts. Van der Wal and colleagues found a strong association between being bullied and depression and suicidal ideation in girls, and Luukkonen and colleagues found that being bullied and bullying others are both potential risk factors for suicidal behavior in girls.
On the other hand, Rigby and Slee found that the association between being a bully and suicidal ideation applied only to boys. McMahon and colleagues recently reported that boys who had been bullied at school were more depressed and had a higher risk of thoughts about harming themselves and self-harming behavior than boys who had not been bullied. Kaltiala-Heino and colleagues reported that among girls, severe suicidal ideation was associated with frequently being bullied or being a bully and for boys it was associated with being a bully. No association was found between boys and girls for depressive symptoms.
Our earlier work tried to explain the differences in the risks of depression and suicidality between girls and boys; we suggested that there is a difference in the threshold for depression and suicide between the sexes. Girls who bullied others were at risk for depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts even when the bullying was infrequent. However, only frequent bullying was associated with depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts among boys.
There may be a different sex threshold in victimization as well. Among girls, victimization at any frequency increased the risk of depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. On the other hand, only frequent victimization increased the risk of depression and suicidal ideation in boys, although infrequent victimization was associated with an increased risk of suicide attempts.
Only a few longitudinal studies of bullying behavior and later depression or suicidal ideation and behavior have been published. These studies provide evidence that bullying behaviors constitute more than mere correlates of depression and suicidality. A study of Norwegian youth reported that children who were being seriously bullied at age 11 years suffered from bouts of depression as young adults. In a study of young adolescents in Australia, victimization in the 8th grade was associated with onset of symptoms of depression the following year. However, follow-up work done in Finland on children involved in bullying in the 8th grade showed that when psychiatric symptoms were taken into account, involvement in bullying did not independently increase the likelihood of depressive symptoms at age 15.
Similar results were seen in a 2-year follow-up of peer victimization among Australian students in their first 2 years of high school. Victimization at study baseline was not predictive of psychiatric health as measured by the General Health Questionnaire (GHQ) after baseline health status was taken into account.
Additional longitudinal studies have predicted psychiatric problems from bullying behavior; however, these do not provide information on the suicidal outcome of bullying behavior. Kim and colleagues studied the impact of bullying on later suicidal/self-injurious behaviors and ideation among a sample of 1655 Korean students from grades 7 and 8. Girls who were perpetrators and boys with later-onset bullying behaviors were at increased risk for suicidal/self-injurious behaviors and ideation 10 months later, even after controlling for other suicide risk factors, such as anxiety and depression.
Contradictory results were seen in studies that examined the association between childhood bullying behavior and later depression, suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, and completed suicide.17,18 Among a large cohort of Finnish boys born in 1981, bullying behavior at age 8 years was associated with severe depression 10 years later, even when controlling for childhood depression. However, bullying behavior at age 8 years was not associated with suicidal ideation 10 years later when controlling for childhood depression.
Read more at the Psychiatric Times
Prevention
Bullying Prevention Resource Guide
PACER Center's Kid's Guide to Bullying - focus on children with disabilities
A Teacher's Guide to Bullying Prevention
Awareness
Bullying.org
Bullying.org's purpose is to prevent bullying in our society through education and awareness. We provide educational programs and resources to individuals, families, educational institutions and organizations. We make available online learning and educational resources in order to help people deal effectively and positively with the act of bullying and its long-lasting negative consequences.
Bullying Awareness Week
The idea for a Bullying Awareness Week began with Canadian father and educator Bill Belsey. Not not long after he launched the educational Web site www.bullying.org on February 16, 2000, he was often asked to make presentations about bullying to media and in schools and communities across Canada and around the world. Through the Web site and his travels, he quickly realized that bullying was an issue that touches all people, directly or indirectly, regardless of their age, gender, culture, religion or nationality. (read more at the site)
Bullying UK
Resources for schools and teachers - NSPCC (UK)
StopBullying.gov
Help & Support
Cyberbully Help
Daily Strength - Support group
Helping Kids Deal With Bullies
LGBT Youth Line
LGBTQ Online High School
Matthew's Place
Resources on Bullying and Cyberbullying - NYTimes
PFLAG
National Crime Prevention Council
Suicide.org
The Trevor Project
Welcoming Schools
Suicide & Mental Health
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Crisis Links
National Mental Health Association
Help Starts Here - Resource links
Samaritans - Hong Kong
Samaritans - United Kingdom
SAVE - Suicide Awareness Voices of Education
Suicide Hotlines
Suicide Prevention Resource Center
Additional Links
Anti-Bullying - focus on homophobia
Bully Free Alberta
Bully Free At Work
GLSEN - Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network
National Association of School Psychologists - Dialogs on bullying/homophobia
PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Stomp Out Bullying
Workplace Bullying Institute
PDF Files
Addressing Research Gaps in the Intersection Between Homophobia and Bullying
Homophobic Teasing, Psychological Outcomes, and Sexual Orientation Among High School Students: What Influence Do Parents and Schools Have
Please post additional threads and links in official threads posted in the comments for easier access to other members. What's especially needed are foreign language links and resources outside of the United States, however, any link can be helpful to someone so don't be afraid to post links and resources that pertain to the US.
Topic Suggestions Needed For
Confusing international political topics/issues you’d like to see clarified, explained, or highlighted
Racial/sociological minorities in worldwide cultures
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Message: Please provide legitimate links along with a brief description. Do not post trollish links in this thread or I will come at you.
At first, I laughed. idk, the description was amusing to me.
And then I saw the photos and read the text and felt my heart break and then become enraged. Break because I've been bullied in primary and secondary school and it caused me to distance myself from people who could have become my friends. Rage because after coming out the other side, mind intact and ready to conquer the world and not be bullied anymore, I found myself in a job where I was the punching bag.
The bullies graduated from high school/college as well. And I found myself yet again, the bullied. Which just made me hate myself for allowing it to happen. And yeah, I'm not blaming the whole thing on myself, but it's just one of those things where you can't help but think 'what if' all the time.
He also did a show on grieving which included a family that had a child commit suicide on grief He has a brother that committed suicide (though its not said why) so he and his mother talk about surviving a loss due to suicide. also includes some info on what people should and shouldn't say to someone that has lost a loved one to suicide.
Almost the whole grade (save for about 5-7 people maybe) had a game based on me. If I touched them, they freaked out because 'geeerrms' and had to hit another person and say blackout. That 'transferred' the germs. This also applied to anything I touched. Pencils, Water fountains, whatever. If I sat down in a cluster of desks, everyone would yank their desks away from mine.
The teachers tried to put a stop to it as much as they could. They succeeded a little, giving numbers (punishment) to the kids that did it within their sight. But it never really stopped until I graduated from grade school.
The worst of the bullies also threw rocks and me and one spit at me in a place on the playground where I couldn't escape.
However, my one bright moment against them once is when I ran from water fountain to water fountain, drinking from all of them before they could get to them. Not a one of them would drink then. :D
Typing this seems surreal. It feels like I've made it up. But I haven't. I know I haven't.
My bullies were a lot more passive...although I can claim that I had an actual nemesis in high school who made my life suck. A lot. In the end, after we had all graduated, my older sister slapped him. that was my bright moment :)
This is awesome. Thank You. Also, can I just mention that your posts are THE SHIT?
I ask because I've been bullied by my younger sister starting from when we were in elementary school--she's always been taller, stronger, and more sociable than me, which made and makes it easy for her to do and get away with. And despite our parents knowing about it and agreeing that it's wrong and she needs to stop, they continuously urge me to 'reconcile' with her, which as far as I can tell means 'play nice and don't get upset where other people can see you or bother other people with it.'
I understand why parents want kids to just get along but that it so pointless to say! My father used to tell me I'd miss my mean sister when she was dead...because that was supposed to end the argument. But she's dead now and the only grief I have is for her wasted years and the damage she did.
The replies to this post are triggery but many describe sibling bullying. No obvious solution but perhaps your parents need to be convinced that it's real? Good luck.
2. I was a lesbian because I had acne.
3. I was a lesbian because I wore glasses.
4. I was a lesbian because I never saw Titanic.
5. I was a lesbian because I cried all the time from people calling me names and trapping me on the bus.
6. I was a lesbian so I couldn't be a nun, so back off so the rest of us can talk to cool pen pal Sister Generic Nun Name.
It makes me laugh now, in an 'oh god i might cry way,' I guess, because along with wishing I was a boy, I wasn't heterosexual after all. Some stupid self-hate for years was because I was "letting" them choose for me. How fucked up is that? My brain knew it was just grade school and I was FREE, they couldn't do anything to me. But my paranoia and stunted sociality said otherwise.
I'm sorry the little shits did that.
BLAQ GURL HURR CURR
Menstruation & You
ironically those people turned to me in high school to cheat off of me/be in my groups/help them with homework because i was really smart. and i wish i was mean enough to have said no to them, because that type of bullying will remain with me forever.
I also had a lot of ableism bullying, I think. It's like they somehow knew I was in special education in my earlier years because I had a lot of the "short bus" jokes (though I never rode one) and I was considered a "retard." I also got a lot of sexist-aimed bullying because I was considered a prude or naive for not knowing about sex but at the same time I was called a bitch, a skank, and a whore... even though most everyone knew I was pretty much nonsexual.
I'm afraid of crowds of teenagers now. I sort of dread each time I go back into a high school building. They're like sharks that just happen to know when there's blood in the water.
There are still a lot of people who think bullying in school is "natural" but I hope that's changing.
I was bullied for years, by everybody. Friends, immediate family (especially by my mother, who constantly called me fat, humorless, and a crybaby), cousins (I know that's family, but I was bullied so much by my cousins I still don't talk to them to this day, because it was so bad, I think I've blanked out most of it, and especially came from the adults), school mates, and everybody in between. It almost felt like I was just some big punching bag, because of my weight, height, bad skin, hair, and skin color. I had friends turned against me, because they were bored, and wanted to see me frustrated and sad. I had a manipulative male best friend in high school who ended up completely destroying my self-esteem on several occasions, and is the one who used that against me during his two month parade of sexual assault against me back in 2004, then turned around after I ran far from that situation, and told all of his friends I was forcing myself upon him (I found this out from our mutual ex-roommate). When I moved in with my ex-best friend in 2009 in GA, she bullied me whenever I didn't constantly agree with her, and then got her neighbors to bully me whenever she wasn't there (she was a travelling model), and generally assisted in making my life a living hell after I began dating her brother (who generally dislikes his sister, and hates her parenting).
After years of this, I was one of the ones who used being online to lash out at people, and take out my general frustration there. I didn't realize how much of a game it wasn't until at one point I found myself exhibiting signs of physical fear and anxiety from posting on forum boards where people were humiliated on a daily basis. Interestingly enough, it was for online roleplaying, but it became something else entirely, and full of trolls. So I lashed out at the trolls first, and then through the years found myself lashing out at others who weren't. Then found myself causing arguments online when I found myself in a horrible mood, because it was a distraction from my life, and my verbally abusive mother (who finally ceased her verbally abusive ways as of this year, after realizing I wasn't going to move back home any time soon, and that her actions caused me to move as far away as I did). Then when I did move into the situation with my fiancee's sister, I just lashed out constantly. They knew how to manipulate me, and press my buttons.
I don't know. I have lost so many friends with my lack of anger management. Up until 2009, I was able to control it, and sequester it to online interactions, to free my irl of drama and outbursts, but now it's causing havoc with my emotions and my relationship, and I don't have access to a therapist.
I'm just wondering if I'm the only person who, after being bullied for so many years, seems to have attempted to take the reins of being slightly abusive herself, whenever triggered, or in a triggering situation. I'm sure it's the PTSD and Depression causing the episodes, but I just don't know how else to deal with it. I figured I'd open up, and ask, since this post is about bullying, and those who have been bullied, and the outcome.
I think it was that bullying in combination of my home life going to absolute shit with my older brother acting out/self-harming/being an alcoholic that's led me to struggle with severe agoraphobia (and not self-diagnosing, my therapist told me as much) along with depression/generalized anxiety and it being painful to look people in the eyes for long than 5 seconds to this very day.
I was completely shut down in high school until my senior year, where I met one of my closest friends, which very slowly has allowed me to open up. I'm nowhere near where I want to be with my depression and anxiety, but it's progress, at least compared to where I was 4-5 years ago.
I wasn't allowed to wear makeup when my friends were, because of my mom's religious beliefs. I got made fun of for having shitty hair, and not being pretty.
The first girl tortured me for months in 6th grade (following me and mocking whatever I said, stepping on my shoes, making fun of me for having only 4 outfits, etc.), until I finally made fun of her for being more poor than me, and for having a mom who was a bartender. Not my highest moment.
The second one changed my high school "will", on the day of the reading, to say something about how I left my boyfriend for another dude. My mom and whole family were there, as well as people from my mom's church (THE HORROR). I turned her into the school, and she was seriously punished. I think she was suspended. (The best part is that it wasn't true. My boyfriend left me for another girl)
Also, even to this day, I still go numb and cold whenever my fiancee and I are in a social situation, and he mentions any sexual situations with me, or that people should keep their hands off me, because I'm so used to the reaction of anybody thinking about me sexually being a gagging sound, or faking puking, and being told that I'm too disgusting to touch. It happened twice the other night, and I accidentally elbowed my guy in the groin for it (I was lying on him, and jumped up to defend myself against somebody making a sour face). Interestingly, nobody made the childish sour face, or gagging sounds. It was a welcomed surprise.
same here. i recently revealed some of my past to a good friend of mine because i had quit a club because i reacted badly in a social setting (a Halloween party) and i felt that i had to "punish" myself because that's what my mother always did to me (thankfully, it never let to cutting although - not gonna lie, i was very tempted to). i'm still trying to adjust to social situations because i'm so used to just staying in my room - my safe space - away from everyone except the internet.
I will always hate that woman for what she did. Always.
One of my kids was in kindergarten for a couple of weeks before he started crying because he was a "bad kid" and he didn't want to be a "bad kid." In fact, he was a passionate child of 4 getting played by a couple of 5 and 6-year-olds and not sophisticated not to get caught when he reacted (I spent time in the classroom and saw it all play out). Then he'd be sent to sit in the corner and these small children were quick to recognize that he was a kid who got in trouble (i.e. a bad kid). He went from bold and confident to hating himself in 4 weeks!
School is great for some kids but not that one. Yet I can't tell you how many people have told me children have to go to school in order to be socialized. But why would you want to socialize a child in ways described in this thread?! I think groups of children shouldn't be unsupervised and adults have to enforce a No Hurting policy. That would be a start.
Fifth grade was particularly awful. I had one of those teachers who said she didn't believe in getting into other conflicts because "kids needed to learn to sort those things out for themselves". She actually allowed a boy to kick me in my face and only got upset at me because I had the nerve to bleed on my desk and the floor. She'd get angry at me because I wouldn't defend myself and I kept "making" the other kids pick on me. One day, a friend-turned-bully kept making fun of my father, who has always been large. After the umpteenth fat joke, I lost my temper and screamed, "At least my father loves me! Your father hates you so much he can't even be bribed to come around you!"* She burst into tears and I got in major trouble at both school and home. I spent the rest of the year being public enemy #1 with all the kids and the teachers.
The rest of my school years were people hating me and me trying to be invisible. When I graduated from high school, I put a lot of stuff like yearbooks, pictures, my diploma, etc. from school into a box, with the intention of opening it 10 years later like a time capsule. When 10 years rolled around, I looked at the box in my closet and realized I didn't want to open it. It will be 15 years in June and I still don't want to open that box. I have half a mind to throw the box out unopened, but I'm afraid I'll remember putting something in there that I want to hold on to (besides my diploma).
I went away to college and only lasted one year because I was so miserable. My roommate decided she hated me and spread all of these rumors about me around the dorm and nobody wanted to be friends with me. To me, it was worse than grade school because I had to live with it 24/7.
To this day, I keep my distance from people because I always expect them to hate me or are only being nice for nefarious reasons (wanting something, pity, looking to back stab).
* My ex-friend had told me about her father, who left her mom when she was a baby and rarely ever saw her. Even though he lived right in town and had visitation, he always canceled or stood her up. One time, her grandmother even offered him money to pick my ex-friend up and take her shopping, to Busch Gardens, etc. and he still didn't show up.
I'm getting a lot better about this, but it's still an issue. I guess I have a hard time in the core of my mind accepting that people can actually like and befriend me without ulterior motives. Even now, when I've got some truly amazing friends, I still have this constant edge of 'I can't do/say that, or they'll turn on me/tell everyone/realize I'm an awful person'.
I hope things get better for you, bb. You're a good person with value and deserve to be recognized as such.
Looking back, it's kind of ridiculous to agonize over friendship rings, but it made a lasting impression on me. One of the girls now has kleptomaniac tendencies (stealing Christmas gifts from classmates)and the second, my so called 'best-friend' I don't talk to on a regular basis, and when I do, it's usually her angsting over her boyfriend problems. (we're all in college now btw). I have come to grips that I'm just not the type to have lots of bosom buddies and I'm ok with that.
-this was very relieving to type-
Just because I'm dedicated to my craft haha~
she made fun of my looks. she always said that the guys would never want to be with me. she said that the men were always attracted to her and i'm just excessive baggage. she made fun of my weight. in high school, i was really skinny because i lost a tremendous amount of bsby weight but i was always eating just so my mom wouldn't have people ask her if they're feeding me enough. however, once i started to gain a healthy weight, she told me how fat i was and how i was unattractive.
she always compared me other kids and made me feel bad but again, every time i tried to do something about it, she'd bring up my brother.
and then i'd feel guilty for it all over again.
she would date men and tried to force me to go to my prom on her terms - not my own. when i told her i wasn't going, she left me... only to come back to brag how awesome my brother was with his date. i'm actually straight so i'm still not sure why she tried to force me to date men - but then she always wanted me to date men she wanted me to (like a rich soldier who's 23 when i was 17).
once my brother outright attacked me when i had to get him to school. when i told my mom, all she said was, "you must have done something to anger him." normally, he treats me okay but he treats me like how my mom does (yelling at me and hitting me when i'm "wrong").
back when she was engaged to her current husband, he had a granddaughter who was graduating and was having a party. and apparently i had to go (even though i didn't want to and i was 21 - i felt that it wasn't exactly my place). she hit me over the head with a popcorn bowl. it left a mark on my skull. i got a concussion from it.
i never called the police because i figured, thanks to her, no one would believe someone like me and they wouldn't do anything.
however, i had a real breakdown (my entire psyche just crumbled) .... and my mom's husband called the cops on me. i remember my mom was laughing as they brought the cops to my room to show them how messy it was. i spent the night in jail (i still remember everything afterwards) and right after they bailed me out, she said, "now none of this would have happened if you would have just done what i told you. this is your fault. you did this to yourself."
i was like the living dead for a good two weeks until i was able to move away. now it feels that none of that happened. it feels like a different lifetime ago. i have two other things that happened to me as a child and teenager. but ultimately, i have forgiven my mom because i need to heal. i need to heal from her awful abuse and bullying.
edit: i'm sorry i keep editing. i keep forgetting words and one more incident.
Edited at 2011-11-13 09:01 pm (UTC)
I had more of a reply here, but in my sleepy haze, I got two different stories mixed up (yours and the one below yours). Omg, that's really embarrassing.
That said, oh my fucking god. They let her throw a popcorn bowl at your head? And then when you finally broke down, after your mother was such a horrible person, they called the police on you? I don't know how you survived that long in that environment. I'm so glad you're as far away from there as possible. I try to forgive my mother, but I just can't. I don't think I will ever forgive my father for abandoning me, either. People should think before becoming parents, I swear.
I'm so sorry. *frowns*
Edited at 2011-11-13 09:24 pm (UTC)