Q. Friend Has Revised One-Night Stand Story: A friend recently called me and said she had a one-night stand after drinking too much. She was beating herself up over drinking too much and going home with a guy she met at a bar. I reassured her that everyone makes mistakes and didn't think much more of the account. However, since then, she has told many people that she was a victim of date-rape—that the guy must have put something into her drink . She spoke to a rape crisis line, and they said even if she was drunk, she couldn't have given consent so she was a victim of rape. She now wants to press charges—she has the guy's business card. I have seen her very intoxicated on previous occasions, to the point she doesn't remember anything the next day. I'm not sure on what my response should be at this point. Pretend she never told me the original story?
A: Trying to ruin someone else's life is a poor way to address one's alcohol and self-control problems. Since her first version of the story is that she was ashamed of her behavior, and since you have seen her knee-walking drunk on other occasions, it sounds as if she wants to punish the guy at the bar for her own poor choices. Yes, I agree that men should not have sex with drunk women they don't know. But I think cases like the one you are describing here—in the absence of any evidence she was drugged—where someone voluntarily goes home with a stranger in order to have a sexual encounter, makes it that much harder for women who are assaulted to bring charges. Talk to your friend. Tell her that she needs to think very long and hard about filing a criminal complaint against this guy if there's any way her behavior could be construed to be consensual. Say you understand her shame, but you're concerned about her drinking, and if she addresses that, she won't find herself in such painful situations.
Later, Prudie gets another person commenting on the question, and uses the opportunity to be even more sexist and awful...
Q. RE: One-Night Stand Story: If someone is intoxicated to the point where they are not able to remember their actions, or if they are stumbling around drunk, then they are not capable to consenting to sexual relations, and the friend may very well have been raped without having been given date-rape drugs ... Of course, I am not certain how this works if BOTH parties are falling down drunk ...
A: This is why it's a really good idea not to get so drunk you are no longer responsible for your actions. Presumably the guy was drinking, too. So two drunk people voluntarily stumble off to bed, then later she realizes that she actually wasn't in a condition to give consent, even though she may have appeared to be consenting. I take rape very, very seriously, but as we've seen in high-profile cases, many women get slammed with the notion that they've consented when they've truly been assaulted. If this case is as the friend describes, I think it's a big mistake for a woman to turn her mistake into a criminal matter.
Prudie takes rape ~very seriously~ (unless you're a drunk slut and then you were totes asking for it)
Q. Revised Story Re: One-Night Stand:
Emily, I just want to offer my support for the points you made about the "victim" of this so-called rape. I know you'll get bombarded with a lot of offended armchair (and maybe even actual) advocates for rape victims, but women, taking ownership of our bodies means owning up to the responsibility of when we screw up. Two people having sex when both of their inhibitions are lowered by alcohol is NOT rape. It does tremendous harm to enforcement of rape laws when women try to escape the consequences of their actions in this way.
A: Thanks. I know this is a controversial stand, but I agree that turning a regretted one-night stand into a rape only ends up hurting women who actually are raped.
And finally, what about TEH MENZ????
Q. False Accusations: I have a real issue with the "I was so drunk I can't consent" argument, as a guy. My issue is this: A rape accusation, whether real or not, can ruin a man's life—it can ruin his professional and personal relationships among other things. Furthermore, the court of public opinion is far too quick to convict men (think Duke lacrosse team) without proof. The woman should ask herself if she really was raped or she really just drank too much, and unless she's 100% sure that she was raped, she should learn a lesson from this, not make her fellow one-night-stander into a victim.
A: Another great point. No one should have to defend himself against a false accusation like this. You are right that the consequences can be disastrous.
Source Urg, I really can't. Like, really. can't.
I would laugh and laugh and laugh at this if I weren't so fucking disgusted.
DDDDDD: times a million. Shit like this is why it took me so long (and is still an ongoing process, really) to come to terms with the realization that just because I was drunk and didn't put up a fight doesn't mean I wasn't sexually assaulted.
But I guess it was my fucking fault for being drunk in the first place, right Prudie?
slate is the fucking worst. i hate myself for ever checking it, but old habits die hard.
It would suck far less, and do so without perpetuating rape culture.
I'm not sure how it works.
Also, while I think it is just repugnunt and obviously morally wrong to take a drunk woman (or man, for that matter) home with you - it's just easier to NOT take them home, isn't it, rather than risk the fact that they are so intoxicated they don't know what they're doing? - I also think that people in general do not really consider these things when they consider drinking. I mean - no, it is absaloutely NOT your fault for getting drunk and ending up in someone's bed, that must be unbelievably awful and I would love to know how anyone thinks taking home someone that drunk is okay. In an ideal world we would be able to trust strangers enough to not hurt us even while we're drunk.
It's just - I'm an 18 year old who doesn't drink and never has, and I've seen plenty of my peers get falling-down drunk. I would be enraged if anyone ever took advantage of them, but I also think that maybe they would be safer if they drank a bit less. Just typing this makes me feel so sad, because I am a staunch advocate of 'the world is the one who needs to change, not us' with regards these things, because it IS awful that we are at risk when we are that drunk, just like we are at risk walking down a dark street on our own. We shouldn't be. That is not the world should work, but until that's fixed we should be careful, right?
Part of fixing the world includes taking these guys (or women, if the drunk party is a guy) to court if they DO date-rape, just like we take them to court if they attack us on a dark street. I'm advocating caution, not letting them get away with it. Just to be clear.
I agree with this. If both parties were equally drunk and incapable of consenting, but "consented" anyway, unless you want to say they both raped each other you really can't call it rape. Then again, it's a different story if both parties were equally drunk... and one of them, say, used violence/coercion against the other.
It's just - I'm an 18 year old who doesn't drink and never has, and I've seen plenty of my peers get falling-down drunk. I would be enraged if anyone ever took advantage of them, but I also think that maybe they would be safer if they drank a bit less.
In general, drinking in moderation is always better. =)
Um... Are you implying that it shouldn't ruin a man's life if it's real?
And...it's still rape?
A rape accusation, whether real or not, can ruin a man's life—it can ruin his professional and personal relationships among other things.
So don't rape people - and don't put yourself in the position where ANYTHING you do can be construed as rape. If you don't have sex with heavily intoxicated women without enthusiastic consent, and you don't coerce women into having sex with you, and you don't undress them againt their will while they're saying "no" - then you are FAR less likely of being accused of rape.
Men always holler how being accused of raping a drunk woman they don't know very well can "ruin their life." Well, how about you NOT rape with drunk women you don't know well, then?
Except these people are never really content and abuse others with their ignorance so no I can't see it being any easier.
How old is your friend, is she still a teen?
Fuck you Prudie, just fuck you.
I actually appreciate when guys like this show their true colors and then I can tell them to go fuck themselves.
**RAGE.**
A rape accusation, whether real or not, can ruin a man's life—it can ruin his professional and personal relationships among other things
GOOD.
WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY
And yeah, maybe she "revised" her story because she was now ready to come to terms with the fact that she'd been raped? And if a person's "knee-walking drunk," isn't that generally an indication that they're too drunk to consent? Especially if they can't remember anything the next day?
What a horrible, horrible friend the author of the first letter is.