Chilling Look Into Future Reveals Polygamy, Mass Deportation of Whites, Nuclear War, Moon Colony
8:05 pm - 06/26/2012
What will be the lasting legacy of gay marriage? A more just and equal society? Or all white people being forced onto reservations by the first American Indian president? If you ask Patricia Weber, "La Jolla resident since 1953," it's... the white deportation one.
Weber, who's previously predicted that there will be potholes on the streets of La Jolla in 2050 unless something is done, takes to the pages of the La Jolla Light to craft a gripping, pulse-pounding look at a future beyond anyone's control:
It is now the year 2065. Chester Allman has just returned from the Moon Colony and makes his way back to his family's home in California. He is met at the door by his 30-year-old grandson, Michael, and Michael's five wives. Chester is bewildered and asks Michael for an explanation.
His grandson explains, "Remember back in the early century when several states changed the definition of marriage? They changed the law by legalizing marriage between two men or two women. Our two-century old definition of marriage was tossed aside. The precedent opened an easy way to further change the definition of marriage, to allow union between one man and two wives, then one woman and two husbands, and after that all hell broke loose! Nobody keeps track anymore."
Noting his grandfather's horrified look, Michael continues, "Why did you guys change things in the first place? Don't you see what damage you did? You should have kept it the way it was!"
"I can't believe all this is happening," Chester says, "but I'm tired and hungry."
"Sorry, Grandpa," Michael replies, "but food is scarce because of the atomic bombing. We have only intravenous feeding at breakfast and lunch."
Chester sighs, "What does your President have to say about all this?"
"You aren't up on the news, are you? Haven't you heard that our President is an American Indian and has put all of us whites on reservations?"
Chester angers, swears and turns to leave. Michael reaches out to detain him. "Wait, Grandpa! Wait! Where are you going?"
Chester calls over his shoulder, "I'm going to catch the next shuttle back to the Moon!"
Daaaaamn those gays!
And Michael was so mad that he married five women in order to try to prove a point to his moontian grandpa.
"Sorry, Grandpa," Michael replies, "but food is scarce because of the atomic bombing. We have only intravenous feeding at breakfast and lunch."
What are the people eating on the moon then? If people on the moon seem to be doing dandy and possibly growing their own food with a sort of Insta-Food-Machine-of-The-Future, then why aren't they sending food down to the mother planet? Or rather, if food is extremely hard to produce because of the atomic bombing, why not send more people to the (presumably) fertile moon, instead of having moon people come to Earth?
Chester sighs, "What does your President have to say about all this?"
"You aren't up on the news, are you? Haven't you heard that our President is an American Indian and has put all of us whites on reservations?"
What does putting white people in reservations have to do with food shortages due to nuclear war? What caused this nuclear war? If the author meant that changing marriage laws is what caused nuclear war, then why would changing marriage laws cause nuclear war?
Chester calls over his shoulder, "I'm going to catch the next shuttle back to the Moon!"
They haven't developed teleporters for commercial use by 2065? This future is lame!
BASICALLY WHAT I'M GETTING OUT OF THIS IS THAT GAY MARRIAGE WILL CAUSE A MOON COLONY, SO I'M ALL FOR IT.
A few months ago my roommate and I got into a really random conversation about how white deportation would work and the complicating factors one would have to work out. With that conversation in mind, I kind of have this odd desire to write a much longer version of this with better world-building...
Seriously, I can't figure out if that was supposed to be a joke or a piece of science fiction or... non-fiction? It wasn't even good. I mean, it's one thing to write bigoted stupid shit, but at least make it a good story, ffs. This fails on every level.
Edited at 2012-06-27 12:25 am (UTC)
I thought right-wing assholes were in favour of "an eye for an eye". That sounds like the best example of that principle ever.
I'm thinking it was more likely a religious fundamentalist than a gay couple. Cause they're the ones always threatening violence.
And yes, can we send all the haters to the moon? That's where Rush wanted to go, so I highly endorse this idea.
For two centuries, La Jolla has had a claim to being a mini Shangri-la, a place with special endowment. How did this come about?
In the early 1800s, a group of San Diegans came to vacation. Soon there were little cottages, quaint mom-and-pop stores, a dance pavilion, an art colony, great parties and unprecedented camaraderie. La Jolla’s charm became widely known.
Or could it have been that the mythological Sea Sprite, Etheria, cast a magical spell over the area. It was a pleasure to shop in the Village and a joy to live here.
I smell a Studio Ghibli movie in the works.
ETA: And for a serious comment, it's kind of hilarious that she thinks gay marriage is going to open the floodgates to polygamy, which she characterizes as different from the way it's "always been." Polygamy was the standard for the majority of human history; it's only very recently that modern countries have begun outlawing it. In fact, early Christians were polygamous: there are numerous stories in the Bible of venerated men of God who had more than one wife. Solomon had 300. So essentially, monogamous marriage is a "change" from what it's always been, and that didn't bring an atomic bomb or moon colonies.
And one other thing. This begs the question. If she thinks putting white people on reservations is so bad, doesn't she make the logical jump that putting native American people on reservations was a bad thing too? Or does that not count because they're brown?
Edited at 2012-06-27 02:29 am (UTC)