Every year, the president of the United States pardons the national Thanksgiving turkey in front of an audience, and President Obama has always made sure it's an event to remember. Last year, he embarrassed daughters Sasha and Malia with the dad joke of the century, and this year — his last year in office — he decided to double down on his so-bad-they're-good one-liners while standing next to his adorable nephews (who "still believe in bad puns"), Austin and Aaron Robinson. Watch the video below (starting at the 28:30 mark) to see him speak for yourself, and if you can't wait, skip ahead to every incredible dad joke from his last turkey pardoning speech.
"Thanksgiving is as much a family holiday as it is a national one, so for the past seven years, I've established another tradition: embarrassing my daughters with a corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."
"This year, they had a scheduling conflict. Actually, they just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."
"Malia and Sasha are thankful, by the way, that this is my final turkey pardon. What I haven't told them yet is that we are gonna do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."
"It's finally time to turn our attention from polls to poultry."
"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky, who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. They met their fate with courage, sacrifice, and proved that they weren't chicken."
"Our graduation rate is at an all-time high, and our uninsured rate is at an all-time low, thanks to the millions of Americans, including children, who finally know the security of having health insurance. That's worth gobbling about."
"We should always make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Except for the turkeys, of course, because they're already stuffed."
"When someone at your table tells you that you've been hogging all the side dishes and that you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: yes we cran."
"I know there are some bad [jokes] in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving room for leftovers."
"Now, turkeys Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is, admittedly, a big hokey." op note: for those who dgi, Virginia Tech Hokies grrroooaaan
"Let's get on with the pardoning, because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a fowl mood."
We'll miss you, Obama.