Virginia's 'ayatollah general' covers up bare breast on state seal
By Tamara Dietrich
I think I have Ken Cuccinelli figured out: He thinks women's bodies have awesome and terrible magical powers.
That the female form unleashed and unrestrained is a force of nature. And even more — a sin.
Thus, the best defense against a wrathful God is a full-body wrap for females. A burqa, perhaps. Or, in Cuccinelli's case, armor plating on the goddess Virtus — long bare-breasted on Virginia's state seal, but primly corseted in the version our attorney general just had stamped onto lapel pins for his staff.
Cuccinelli later decided the lapel pin was a distraction, and said that his office wasn't going to use it.
He also said that the image he used was similar to a large flag at the state Capitol in Richmond.
But his original decision set the stage for even more spirited discussion.
Scoff if you must, but a fundamentalist cleric in Iran recently declared that women who "don't dress appropriately" are responsible for devastating earthquakes. That God sees all, judges all and punishes collectively. Show a little skin and, wham, suddenly the earth's a-rockin'.
Well, Cuccinelli is an old-fashioned man of God, too; no less so than some measly Muslim prayer leader. He can rail against moral depravity with the best.
And once you accept the basic premise of a vengeful Almighty easily offended by sex and skin and not shy about showing it, you can pretty much apply it anywhere, for any disaster — monsoons, tidal waves, droughts, floods, plagues, crop infestations, rising sea levels, a foreign-born Muslim in the White House, etc.
You might even begin to wonder if Virtus' bare breast is responsible for the disastrous oil rig explosion and massive spill in the Gulf Coast, and if Cuccinelli's cover-up is sheer coincidence or an attempt at divine appeasement to try to avert the worst oil disaster in U.S. history.
Personally, I vote for none of the above.
Cuccinelli's Disney-fied version of Virtus is simply fresh evidence of our own ayatollah general as sexual prig.
He says he was just kidding about making Virtus "a little more virtuous in her more modest clothing," but the titters you hear aren't the world laughing with him, but at Virginia for electing such an uptight buffoon.
By law and long tradition, Virtus is depicted as an Amazon in a blue toga, left breast bare, wielding a spear in one hand and a sword in the other. She's got one foot on the fallen enemy, Tyranny. The motto reads "Sic Semper Tyrannis" — "Thus always to tyrants." The seal was designed by George Wythe and adopted in 1776.
Since this story broke over the weekend, wags have made helpful suggestions for additional areas of moral outrage. That long, gray, phallic-shaped sword Virtus is cradling? Looks a lot like something that might run on batteries. And her bare foot on Tyranny's chest offers him a perfect peek up her short skirt. Maybe Cuccinelli should've given her bloomers, too.
"When you ask to be ridiculed, it usually happens," political scientist Larry Sabato said in one news report. "And it will happen here, nationally. This is classical art, for goodness sake."
If he keeps it up, Cuccinelli will make our evangelical, Regent University-educated, Stepford governor look like a libertine.
Yes, there are plenty of guys who, like Cuccinelli, object to having to look at a woman's naked breast. Ironically, Cuccinelli objects to them, too.
Homosexuals, Cuccinelli has said, represent "behavior that is not healthy to an individual and in aggregate is not healthy to society."
"In a natural law-based country," he has said, "it's appropriate to have policies that reflect that."
Statements like these help explain his letter to public universities in March — sent for no apparent reason than to foment a natural law-based state — warning that Virginia law doesn't protect gay employees from discrimination.
Strangely, Cuccinelli comes off as ridiculous even when he talks straight sex.
When students at George Mason University held a Sextravaganza education fair in 2005, Cuccinelli, then a state senator, derided it as a mere "how-to fun fair for sex." (Hey, now that's a tagline!)
The event, he said, is "designed to push sex and sexual libertine behavior as far, fast and furiously as possible." (Hmm. Far, fast and furious?)
It promotes, he said, "every type of sexual promiscuity you can imagine." (Ooh. That many?)
"It doesn't swell me with pride," he said, "to see my alma mater putting on a soft porn show." (Oh, God! Somebody muzzle this guy!)
You might wonder what a bare breast ever did to Cuccinelli to deserve such shabby treatment. I wonder what Virginia did to deserve a boob like Cuccinelli.
Contact Dietrich at 757-247-7892 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
This article made my day. And yes, the last part of the article is all bolded because it's hilarious and you need to read it.