ONTD Political

Advice Columnist Smacks Down Biphobe: Dear Lady A: Skeptical about the B

8:06 pm - 03/18/2012

There is not a bisexual person anywhere on the planet who hasn't at one time or another been subjected to this type of insulting nonsense. And while we all know not a word of it is true, usually we are too busy being horrified/hurt/angry to think of the just the right stinging retort that will not only put the boorish person in their place but will also let in actually truth and light. Well no worries, bisexual heroine Lady A, the advice columnist for the Chicago Phoenix has done it for us in this polite, factual but stinging retort to an obnoxious ignoramus.

Lady A is a headmistress with an emphasis on head. She may even spank you. But only if you like that kind of thing.DEAR LADY A: The people I know who claim they’re bi are attention-seeking and creepy. I honestly think, of the “bisexuals” I know, the guys are just gays who can’t emotionally handle being gay, and the women are trying to keep potential boyfriends interested with the promise of threesomes. Are actual bisexuals even real? If so, where are they hiding?~~ Real Homo, Skeptical About The B in LGBT

DEAR DOUBTING HOMO: I’m not hiding and I’m bisexual, so your statement is really more about your own mistrust, isn’t it? It is the worst kind of queer self-sabotage to imply that a sexuality simply cannot be, because you can’t personally imagine it. It’s also ironic. Normally, I have a special contempt for assholes who attempt to inform me that my bisexuality is an urban myth promoted by terrified queens or an affectation I employ to impress my boyfriends. But I will try to exercise patience with you. I will even try to see it from your perspective for a moment.

To pretend like some haven’t used bisexuality as a “gateway drug” to gay or a boy-bewitching sexual tactic, would be disingenuous. Yes, there are folks who, for reasons including self-delusion, hipster trend-grubbing, or maybe just an attempt to earn better money at the stripper pole, might be bisexual pretenders. There are also straight pretenders and gay pretenders, but that doesn’t make you any less gay, does it, sir? And those gay pretenders, by the way, are sometimes boys and girls who love both boys and girls, but felt so unfairly judged by members of their own LGBT community that they actually went back into the bi closet by “picking a side.”

Bi Definition: Teacher Defines BisexualityBut for the most part, people who call themselves bi, flexible, curious or any other similar designation, are telling you the truth. You know how I know? Because it’s hard to be bi. Society immediately thinks the boys are lying and the girls are sluts, they’re queer but they’re not, they’re straight but they’re not, and they are generally just assigned the convenient homo or hetero sexuality that happens to coincide with their most current partner. They’re also some of the least supported queers in terms of organized help and education … And that’s not fun. So they must have a damned good reason (like the fact that they’ve realized they don’t give a fuck what you or society thinks they ought to be) for standing up and saying who they really are. Just like you had a damned good reason for telling the world who you really are, sir.

So, in answer to your question: Yes, bisexuals are real, and yes, they’re sometimes hiding in your ranks, and could possibly be one of your closest friends or lovers. Being fearful of something you don’t understand and can’t control is scary, isn’t it? On the bright side, now you know how homophobes feel.

I’m bi. No lie. Get used to it.

Lady A is a headmistress with an emphasis on head. She may even spank you. But only if you like that kind of thing. She can be found in the Chicago Phoenix, on Facebook, Twitter as well as all the best places to see and be seen (and sometimes even do), in Chicago.

SOURCE: Chicago Phoenix: Dear Lady A | tumblr: Bi Definition | The Bilerico Project | Bisexual Invisibility: Impacts and Recommendations |

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suzycat 19th-Mar-2012 12:34 am (UTC)
Hooray for Lady A!

I am not bisexual but like many straight people have felt occasional attractions not great enough to act upon, but great enough to make me question binary concepts like straight and gay. I honestly find it difficult to understand how truly honest people could NOT believe in bisexuals.

Edited at 2012-03-19 12:34 am (UTC)
kalikahuntress 19th-Mar-2012 12:43 am (UTC)
THIS so much and I have had similar experiences as well. It always makes me want to ask since many straight people have shared my experience, why is it so hard to believe in bisexuality?
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slinkslowdown 19th-Mar-2012 12:37 am (UTC)
Major love for Lady A. ♥

I'm pansexual and have experienced both biphobia and panphobia [did I just make up a word there... ?]. What bothers me most is when people tell me I'm not pansexual, I'm just a confused bisexual trying to be ~hipster~ or some shit.
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bluelarkspur 19th-Mar-2012 12:48 am (UTC)
I'll never understand this need to analyze or pass judgement on someone else's sexual identity. I guess I can get someone's motives for not personally wanting to date someone bi, but this dude (and so many others) just seem to sit around thinking about it. Just let it be. It really is similar to homophobes' need to think about someone's motives for being gay instead of just accepting that other people are different and living their own lives.

Good point also about bi invisibility. I've known a couple people, where I was surprised to learn it. You naturally assume that a girl with a guy is straight and a guy with a guy is gay, etc. When I ran into a girl after she dumped her bf and was dating a woman, I assumed she was had been closeted or just realized her sexuality, not that she was bi. So the people who stick out as bi in our minds are the guys who loudly repeat that they're bi, not gay, and the girls who make out with girls when in their boyfriends' laps (not that either of these are wrong or automatically mean that they're not really bi.)
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lil_insanity 19th-Mar-2012 01:43 am (UTC)
Yep. I can't tell you how many times I've heard things like, "But how many women have you slept with?" and "If it was only one, how do you know it wasn't a fluke?"

Yeah, just because I've found more males that I'm compatible with than females doesn't mean I'm any less bi. There's just WAY, WAY, WAY less eligible L/B/Q women around here than straight men.
pandaseal 19th-Mar-2012 12:58 am (UTC)
That was a thing of beauty. LG biphobes need to stay pressed forever. (This isn't to ignore bigoted straight people, but I expect a less than nuanced view of sexuality from straight folks.)
bialogue 19th-Mar-2012 01:05 am (UTC)
Yes! A thing people constantly fail to realize.
chimbleysweep 19th-Mar-2012 01:12 am (UTC)
I love how people can't trust us scary bisexual folks because we'll allegedly never be satisfied.

Oh. And how are any straight or gay people satisfied by a single partner? NOT THAT DIFFICULT TO COMPREHEND.
danger0usbeans 19th-Mar-2012 03:09 am (UTC)
This. I am so sick of people insisting that I have to be a lesbian now because my wife and I are committed and monogamous.
bostondreamer 19th-Mar-2012 01:14 am (UTC)
Only some of my closest friends know that I'm bi. I've tried coming out to my mom, but she kind of dismissed it as a phase and I've never brought it up again. I tried coming out to my roommate, but because I've never dated a girl she thinks that "I can't possibly be bisexual." (her exact words)

I'm still in the closet to the majority of people in my life because of the social stigma bisexuals have. While the two relationships I've been in have been with men (and I do tend to prefer men), there are women I've been romantically interested in but I'm still too scared to act on those feelings.

ugh :/

but on a happier note, this is an awesome piece and the OP should feel awesome for posting it
foureyedgirl 19th-Mar-2012 02:50 am (UTC)
I'm in almost the same boat as you except I won't ever dream of coming out to my family, mother especially because she's a super religious fundie who thinks people 'choose'/'become' lgbt. My sister and a very few friends know but other than that I think I'm going to stay in.
nyxelestia 19th-Mar-2012 01:15 am (UTC)
I tend to just ask people if they've ever heard of the Kinsey scale, and tell them it's not my problem if they believe me or not, I'm still bi.
redstar826 19th-Mar-2012 01:20 am (UTC)
question about language (and sorry, not quite sure how to word this)-does talking about biphobia specifically from lesbians and gay men imply that lesbians and gay men are privileged over bi people? Because when we talk about homophobia we are also talking about straight privilege, and when we talk about transphobia we are also talking about cis privilege.
lil_insanity 19th-Mar-2012 01:52 am (UTC)
Well, I've definitely gotten a lot more discrimination from L/G people than from straight people. But I'm sure there's some sort of argument that since bisexuals can "choose to pass" as straight (hah... obviously that statement is problematic for several reasons), they are privileged over gay people. Shrug.
xballroomblitz 19th-Mar-2012 01:23 am (UTC)
Just to let you know, your full address is listed in the "location" part of this post..
bialogue 19th-Mar-2012 04:18 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for your kind concern, however it's ok in this case becasue Bialogue = Bisexual + Dialogue is a (very) long-running bisexual political action/social justice group, not an individual. Additionally the address is for the Chicago Phoenix who are the actual publishers of Lady A's wonderful columns and we are just being very careful to give all credit back to them (they deserve it).
justspaz 19th-Mar-2012 01:27 am (UTC)
I came out to my mother and father as bisexual, although now I identify more biromantic (homosexual), but still remember reading such hurtful biphobic things when I was figuring out I wasn't straight, especially from the LG aspect of the spectrum. It hurt to imagine that, after all my life feeling like I couldn't find people like myself and then coming to terms with the fact that there was this community, they didn't even really feel comfortable with me there.

(Also, I have a lot of queer feels right now; I just saw Andrea Gibson perform and have no way to articulate how amazing it was).

PS: Why have I never heard of Lady A before? She's amazing.
endlos_schleife 19th-Mar-2012 01:47 am (UTC)
completely OT but Andrea Gibson is absolutely amazing. (sorry I just had to say that).

belleweather 19th-Mar-2012 01:41 am (UTC)
So, I've been out as bi for years in my personal life, but I haven't been involved with a woman since 2004. I just started a new job which, God willing and the creek don't rise, will be my life-long career. I'm also married to a (bi) guy and we have kids, so we look super, super straight to the eye that don't know any better. There's a brown-bag lunch meeting for the GLBT career group at my work coming up and I'd really like to go, but I don't know -- should I go, or no?
lil_insanity 19th-Mar-2012 01:58 am (UTC)
Is there some sort of chairperson you can contact? Ideally it should be fine for you to attend, but maybe there's some way you could gauge the mood of the group.
endlos_schleife 19th-Mar-2012 01:50 am (UTC)
I think I've been pretty lucky so far. Most people at my college* and everyone at home that I've told about my sexuality don't give a shit about it. When I told my friend that my relationship with a woman is likely not to be a one-time thing she just shrugged, "meh, doesn't matter (to me)".

*There has been the occasional stare or dumb comment from people but nothing to the extent that I would consider it biphobic. on second thought this makes me kind of worried about the real world.
chaya 19th-Mar-2012 02:00 am (UTC)
My favorite reaction to explaining to a coworker (a fellow server) that I liked men and women was being asked if I had a vagina and a penis.

salienne 19th-Mar-2012 02:02 am (UTC)
*Blink. Blink.*

Well then.
kijikun 19th-Mar-2012 02:06 am (UTC)
I've had people tell me I can't be bi, I must just be confused and not want to come all the way out of the closet. I've also been told I can't talk about queer issues because I'm bi so "I don't count". I've also had people assume I'll sleep with anyone because I'm bi. D:
lil_insanity 19th-Mar-2012 02:22 am (UTC)
I've experienced all of these as well.
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